1.24.14

You know what I don’t understand? Men. Don’t get me wrong, I love them in the general sense (and specific sense too, aka current boyfriend), but when it comes down to certain men in particular I just question their gender tendencies. For example, someone who I had a prior fling with has recently decided that he would like to come back into my life. Why? Not quite sure, especially since I’m very happily taken and he knows this. Because of this, I’ve been coming up with super clever ways to avoid having to hang out with him. For the most part, they’ve worked and I’ve been able to do so without majorly hurting his feelings/ego. Finally today, I decided fuck it, I’ll hang out with him for like an hour and maybe it’ll get him off my back. We planned to go kayaking around like 12:30 before I had to go into work later in the afternoon. I was running a little late so I texted him telling him so, and just to give me like half an hour, then we can go. He replies with “I’m here, I ran to your house…” SERIOUSLY? Who RUNS to a person’s house to hang out?! So now I feel super guilty because meanwhile, my boyfriend is AT my house printing something off for school. So now I feel like a super shitty person. Kick boyfriend out or make Mr. Unnamed run back home? Thank goodness Unnamed has a friend in my neighborhood around the corner. So he runs back there and after my boyfriend leaves I tell Unnamed I’ll pick him up in 5 so he doesn’t have to run again. Response? “Oh, I’m headed to Gulf Coast HS to hang out with the wrestling coach, have fun with your boyfriend. OK ASSHOLE. First off, DO NOT make me feel like shit for not being able to hang out with you when 1. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. 2. I’m in school two days a week (all day). 3. I’m also juggling 3 jobs, babysitting, and an internship and barely make time for myself. 4. You barely talk to me at all when you’re away at school and now that you’re here for 3 months I’m your top priority? I don’t fucking think so. And to top all of that off, when I finally DO make time for you, you blow ME off?! Really not the way to win my heart over dude.

So basically, I’m done. Done thinking you were ever going to change into a different person. Done believing you aren’t the manwhore everyone describes you to be. Done feeling like crap for not spending time with you when there is no reason for me to feel anything but frustration towards you. You were great for helping me get over my douchebag ex, but as far as I’m concerned you’re not any different from him right now, and it really sucks having to say that.

Honestly, a little while back I used to picture our lives together – really thought we could make something work out of all of this craziness. But now I can see that possibility is totally gone, especially when you keep acting like this. I wish you weren’t back home right now, and I wish you also didn’t scare the living crap out of me. Every time I think I’ve gotten rid of you, you keep coming back into my life in some way. It’s been 5 years now like this, and I don’t know if I want it to stop or what is going to happen. But for right now, I either need you to be just my friend, or nothing at all. Be happy for me. Be supportive and not destructive. Be a positive aspect in my life, not a burden, not someone I’m afraid or ashamed of. Just be there. Or don’t. That’s all there is to it.

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