When I get drunk

Have you ever regret doing something while drunk? Well, I did. Not once, but twice. Both jeopardized my relationship with people I was close with.

The very first time happened while I was at a townhouse I rented with two other friends. I was drunk, then I wanted to go work on my thesis at the lab. I know, weird. So, my friends stopped me. I got mad at them. I remember crying even. I was a mess. Looking back, that incident reflected how screwed up I am inside. Several months later, I would have a huge emotional breakdown. So bad that the person in the lab at the time told me I needed professional help. I did. I got on antidepressant and therapy. That was over a year ago. Yet, I am still a mess. But that’s another story.

That time I got drunk, I really embarrassed myself. I screamed at friends, and was just nuts. They probably thought that too. One of my roommates stopped talking to me since, except for several times later she yelled at me. The reason why I didn’t try to make up is pretty long. I probably won’t talk about it anymore, since it’s not relevant to my life now. Let’s just say I had good reasons (or so I thought).

The second time I embarrassed myself badly was last Friday. I went to dinner with a huge group of friends. Afterwards, they decided to go drinking. Being stuck with one of them since I got a ride from him, I agreed to go. I could have asked him to drop me off at home, but I kinda wanted to go in the first place. I realized later that most of the people I am closer with didn’t end up going. It was a bummer, and I didn’t have fun. So, I drank. Four tequila shots, one hard cider and one beer after, I was drunk. I didn’t really do much at the bar, just watched basketball and became BFF’s with another drunk girl. It was after when I got home, that I started singing until I fell asleep. I didn’t remember it being loud. But the people live with evidently thought it was. Combined that with my horrible singing, I could see how it could be annoying.

Yesterday, I apologized for getting drunk. And my friend said, “Don’t do it again. Just don’t. I don’t even know how to comment on that.” I was very embarrassed, and don’t really know how to face her. I am actually homeless, and she was nice enough to let me crash at her loft. I didn’t start a lease, because I didn’t have a steady job. I feel like I should move out. But it’s hard to tell if that’s what she is implying, or if she’d think I made a huge deal out of it unnecessarily.

If I only have a job, I can move out and start a new life. I think my drinking that night was probably more than boredom. It’s again, reflecting that I am such a mess.

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