I’ll be there, or will I?

I woke up this morning feeling like something wasn’t right. Feeling like a piece of me was elsewhere in the world, floating all on it’s lonesome. To start the day, my school bus was 30 minutes late. Then I finally get to school, I’m already late and I walk into community meeting with the entire school already sitting down proceeding with the morning meeting. As I walk in, I feel uneasy in a way. As if I should turn around, walk out the door, and go home. I look over and I catch a glimpse of what I once had, what I once called “MY girlfriend”, the one who took every breath to tell me how much she loved me. Anyway, I proceeded to my seat, feeling like a walking zombie. One of my closest friends, and my closest guy friend, called me over to sit beside him. As soon as I sit down, he immediately realizes I am not myself. He asks, what’s wrong?, my heats begins to beat faster and faster. I feel like all hope had been lost, and the world was coming to an end in a way. I felt devastated for some odd reason. He tells me, calm down- take a breath- get yourself together. I stick my arm out, and he sees how my hand is shaking from anxiety. I can’t really explain the anxiety, or either I’m in denial and refuse to say what the reason really is. So I sit and think, what is wrong with me. The bell rings and everyone walks to first block. As I make my way to my class, not caring what’s going on around me or who’s talking to me, I see Sarah, we make eye-contact, and I keep walking. At times I feel she walks to class certain ways because she knows I always go that way. Well I walk up the steps, I look over and I see her behind me, I’m so out-of-it at the moment I pay it no mind. I walk pass my class, over to the water fountain to fill up my bottle. Then I feel a tap on butt, and a body brush past me, I look to my right, to my left then again to my right, and there is Sarah. Beautiful as ever, she gives me a hug, and says “Ich Liebe Dich“. (German for I Love You; I speak German and Spanish, and I was always teaching her German sayings) I couldn’t get over the fact that she had told me she loved me and I didn’t even respond or show emotion. I had lost all sympathy. Bell rings again, everyone is off to next block, and my friends storm me asking, what’s wrong, cheer up. They so used to me laughing, dancing and telling jokes. Then I talk to one of my best friends and she asks what is wrong?– I answer truthfully, just not completely. I say well I’m afraid I may end up with 4a’s and 4B’s (Im a scholar and will settle for nothing less). She says really… what’s the real reason, eh, I already know what it is. You still love her don’t you. She shakes her head. It’s crazy how well friends hear what you don’t say, they have the ability to know how you feel and why without a word from your mouth. I begin to feel better as class goes on, still a bit on the edge. Then the lunch bell rings, I grab my lunch and go where I usually go for lunch. I turn around and see Sarah. It would be rude of me to make eye contact, then look the other way without speaking, so I leave my friends and go talk to her. As soon as I gaze in her eyes, all the feelings of anxiety I had were out the window. She grabs my hand to hold it, but with all my might I can’t get myself to hold her hand back. She says, I miss you so much. I miss your lips and your face. UGH! I know you miss me as well. It seems every time we converse she loves to say how much she misses me. Turns out, she ate her lunch the same place I ate mine. Many times I’d catch her looking at me with a longing feeling. But I can’t help but think she’s looking at me, but texting her bf at the same time, literally. I may hug her and see a glimpse of her phone and it says “Baby” as the contact. She called me baby, and I know she wasn’t texting me. Had to be him. Maybe, just maybe her heart is torn. I’m proud of myself, because many times I look at her and just want to hold her in my arms, and kiss her lips. But it’s not that I’m shy or scared to, but that I respect her decision to leave me and be faithful to her bf despite the apparent feelings she has for me, and I, her. The days comes to an end, and the end of the day bell rings, of course I run into her. She leans forward as to give me a kiss, then says I’m kidding, and gives me a hug. I whisper in her ear, let’s not kid Sarah. I walk away smiling, numb to the cold, because of her warm touch. I hate to dream about having her, I want it to be reality. I want to make it clear to her that, I feel the exact way she does, and that Ill never break the promise I made to her to never leave her, even though she broke her promise to me. I want her to realize those days she was sick, and almost had a brain tumor, I was the one calling to check on her, the one rubbing her back while she laid across my lap, the one who gave her a big hug when she was let down by her #1 college. I want her to know I’ll be here, when she needs me.

 

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