Not ever sure where to start….

50th birthday came and went but left behind a bit of a train wreck. Depression? Anxiety? Mental exhaustion? Whatever it is, it seems to be pulling me down. I have to wonder if its the physical limitations that are going with turning 50 that are part of the cause. Knees ache daily and it’s inhibiting the things I enjoy doing (I’m quite physically active). Docs say arthritis is setting in…oh joy.

Still, I have to think there is more to it than that. I’m truly tired of being around people all the time, they exhaust me. Seems like everyone takes a piece of you until there is almost nothing left, and when you get down they don’t understand because you’re always the one everyone counts on. Sigh…seems to wear me down more and more each day.

My poor girlfriend, the sweetest lady and love of my life, is at her wits end I think. Her solution is turn to God…that just doesn’t work for me. I used to have a good friend I could confide in, but he has had some very bad times pop up in his life lately so I’m pretty much flying solo. I have my dogs, who actually give me a great amount of comfort: Unconditional love and compassion. We, as a species, should learn from that.

Not sure if I’ll keep at this journal but it seemed like a good idea for just unloading and trying to straighten my own thoughts out. We’ll see.

2 thoughts on “Not ever sure where to start….”

  1. Having read your post, I feel that you indeed need to keep up with this journal. There are times in our lives when we are unable to talk to those who are closest to us,, we sometimes feel that we have so much to say but, not quite sure how to say what we feel without sounding ungracious.
    I started writing this journal for pretty much the same reasons, keep writing my friend you may just find that writing your feeling and having a complete stranger find some infinity to what you’re feeling may in some way help to make sense of your own hard times.
    I hope my little helps in even the slightest way, you are alone there is always someone who will understand what you are feeling…

    Signing out….

  2. Appreciate the support. I can’t say I’m having true hard times (that would be my friend right now), just issues of being the rock in the river. I was raised to give all and ask nothing, but todays world seems to be take everything and give nothing (just my opinion). Still, I get a lil burst of hope once in a while when someone jumps up and helps without asking “Whats in for me?” first.

    I started a cabin in a very rural area as my get away…have a lot to go but it’s getting close to where I can stay in it. Looking forward to just me, the dogs, and a fishing pole (old fashioned, right?). I enjoy working on it for the simple reason that for a few hours I’m the only person in the world. I think I’d make a decent hermit, except I can’t grow a decent beard.

    I did truly relax today; Just me, the remote, and some peace and quiet. Ok, and a video game too. Didn’t sweat the house work or answer the phone…seems kinda selfish in a way but just wanted the solo time since I couldn’t work on the cabin the past week plus due to bad weather. Hopefully next week I’ll get the roof started. We’ll see what the weather brings.

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