The Introduction of that which is Me

This is my first entry- so I thought it might be better if I used this time to allow people to get to know some of the things that make up who I am. Even though I am 32 years old I love to play video games.. Any kind of video games, though usually FPS (first person shooters). I also like tattoos..I find the art and ideas behind them so intriguing.  Sometimes I dye my hair blue, red or purple- though dark browns usually are my favorite.   I LOVE to read.. I have 458 books the last time I counted and even though I haven’t read all of them I couldn’t see giving any of them up.. I love animals.. I live in a house with 3 dogs, 2 cats, a rat and a bearded dragon.. I have never been much of a girly girl, but this does not mean that I do not like to get my eyebrows done from time to time.

I went to school to obtain my S.T.N.A certification and passed the first time I ever took the test.  It was nerve wrecking but I made it through and took it upon myself to make sure I could help those who could not help themselves.  Just by reading all of this one would think I am just a normal random happy  person who is still somewhat a kid on the inside- but it couldn’t be more of the opposite… On the inside it is a much..MUCH different story…

I am terrified..absolutely terrified 95% of the time when I am in public.  If I have to leave the house by myself it is even worse.. I am have these fears that when people are looking at me they are judging me and when faced with altercations I meltdown fast.  I get these strange paranoid feelings that they can see everything about my past.  The fact that I was adopted when I was three- that my biological father was an alcoholic that beat my mother when she was pregnant with me- that I was molested by my track coach/health teacher when I was 13. That after everything that happened in that ordeal (the lie detector test when I turned 14 a few short months later- the running away from home because I was so lost by everything that man did to me- being sent to live with my adoptive father and being taken out of his home by social services because they found him to be neglectful and emotionally abusive and places in a mental ward for a year and then in foster care until I aged out of the system at the age of 18) even though it is unrealistic and really does not happen that way.  I know they cannot see these things but for some reason I cannot control that part of my mind and it starts to run full speed ahead. My safe zone is my house..behind my wall of books, animals and video games.  I smile and move about as if nothing is wrong- though it doesn’t always work in my best interest and my boyfriend is always the first to notice when something is bothering me.

I am sure that I missed some things- but I feel in time it will all come out.   This is just a first step, and I know there are plenty more hurdles for me to overcome along the way-but I just couldn’t bare to feel so ashamed anymore… Ashamed of things I cannot control, and in turn hope that this can be turned into a type of awareness that people do deal with such strong overbearing feelings on a daily basis. It is hard for people to see past what they see on the outside-but some illnesses are invisible and just as painful. I look forward to writing to you all again- but until next time may you each be able to find that inner peace within yourself and know you are truly not alone.

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