I need to write again because I feel if I don’t my head might explode. I managed to distract myself with watching Waterloo road as I said in my last little ramble im sick of people saying they are there for you..when they evidently are not. Don’t get me wrong as I have said I like technology a lot and think it is a great and positive thing, BUT, I cannot stand the function on Facebook that allows you to see weather or not a person has read your message. Seen @ 12.23pm…possibly the worst line to read because now I know you have seen it, and that you choose not to answer it, and that was several hours ago? This is why I am here burning my keyboard out again because I refuse to beg for help she is my friend and said she would stick around and now she isn’t answering me! The bottom line i’ve decided- people are selfish, and personally, im not sure I ever see that changing?!!
I know the depression is starting to control me again because I am witnessing the physical changes in myself I can no longer be bothered to get up and get ready, being late for work and missing meetings. THAT’S NOT ME! When will people look at mental illness as a serious condition? Now don’t get wrong here I support all charity and worthy causes etc… we see a lot about how many people we lost to Cancer, but what about how many people have lost to suicide and Depression? I strongly believe Depression takes life away in almost the same way Cancer does only those with Depression can never win they will always be in an ongoing battle inside themselves with it, unless the make the choice to stop fighting the battle and end it themselves? Slowly it destroys you until you succumb and end up feeling like your trapped at the bottom of dark and emotionless pit.
Getting up and getting ready for work is starting to feel more like putting on my mask again, except you get to a point where even the mask beings to show it’s cracks, and you can no longer hide the pain that eats you from inside out. My room is my safe haven anywhere outside of here I am on high alert- ambush can come from anywhere. In my room I can slide the bolt across and shut the curtains over the window, here I sleep, cut, drink, scream, write, stare into space, think, go crazy, masturbate, sing, cry, dream, hope, plead with God, breakdown, be naked, be free. Be anything I want to be really without having to fear the judgement of the scowling looks?
Nobody will ever take that from me. </3