Okay, so time to splurge again! Woke up this morning feeling a little bit lost and crazy, I guess I feel like i’m starting to loose sight of myself, and let me tell you that is not a nice feeling. Loosing my job feels like loosing my whole life? Does that make me sad or just dedicated? Am I am complete bitch? I have my six month probationary review at work today, funny because it reminds me that I won’t even have made it a year as a youth worker ='( Almost 24 years of my life, and I have next to nothing to show for it.
What do you do and where do you turn when, when you have no clue which direction you want to go in? There is no map for our lives..which is shame because I think some indication would helpful! I’m also seriously concerned that I have some sort of Attachment Disorder, I have been thinking about it for a long time but now im starting feel like some nut job that needs locking away? I get over attached to all the wrong people, but always women. It’s like that with the women I mentioned in one of my first posts! I really want to talk to her and to see her but I am forcing myself not to go in there and trying not to speak to her on facebook, because I know that’s the only way I can break this almost obsessional crush I have on her. The only way I can think to describe it in words maybe is like an addiction to the most beautiful drug in the world. I want to be like her, be around her, be her friend, talk to her. Am I going mad? I’m getting to the point now where I am starting to freak out that she hates me and that just makes me want to go and see her more!!! ARGGHHH. What is the matter with my stupid head? The only truth I know is that in this case time is a healer. The longer I leave it the easier I find it. I’m freaky obsessional to the point that I know when I last spoke to her and I keep track of it. I look forward to sleeping and knowing another day has gone, and nothing has gone to horridly wrong, but yet I hang on tenter hooks hoping she will message. Then become bitterly disappointed when they don’t, even though in reality I knew they probably wouldn’t.
If anyone ever read these entries, for whatever reason I hope that they would see the internal struggle I face everyday to try and be normal. =/ My cuts are really hurting and itching today the healing part sucks, sometimes I prefer just to rip the scabs of and watch them bleed all over again. Recently I managed to cut deeper than normal and somehow it’s oddly satisfying. Sometimes I feel so empty it’s nice to be able to feel something. Most of the time I just want to curl back up under the duvet where I feel safe.I hate being alone, but I have been forced to get used to it.
I know I need help I desperately want my life back. I have asked a friend to come to the doctors with me and help me get what I actually want. Some real help this time. I really want to be able to help her as well she is being made homeless in 36 days, and she has two dependant kids, i’m trying to work out what I can do. That’s the least she deserves. Just had an amazing idea, just ordered flowers and wine to be sent to her house, they should arrive at some time today by 6 o’clock! I hope she loves them!! Anyway I better put the mask on ready to head for work!
Peace Out Lovers xx