I wish things about me could be different, and I wish I could erase some parts of my past. I know thats not a possibility but a girl can DREAM, right?
I have some major trust issues.. I am 22 and I have been married and divorced already and have been in some pretty bad relationships emotionally… I have been seeing this guy for a month now and he is everything a girl could ask for, and thats what scares me. I dont feel like I am good enough for him. No matter how much he says I am.
I drink on the weekends and I smoke cigarettes and he really doesnt like that about me, and I am trying to change that, and no not just for him… but for myself too. I started going back to church with him and his family. I used to go all the time when I was little but the older that I got the less I went to church and everything that I learned completely left my head I guess you could say.
Now when I listen to the sermons I cant comprehend the stories that are being told. I cant remember the names of people who are in the stories, and I feel stupid. I pray and I thank God for everything that he has blessed me with, the people he has brought into my life, and I ask him to help me understand his Word. That just hasnt happened yet.
I feel like because Im not living a completely christian-like life his mom looks down on me and doesnt really want him to be with me. I want her to see that I really am a good person and I am trying so hard to understand things and grow spiritually. Because I really am. I know I havent known him very long, but I really am in love with this man. I never thought that I could fall for someone as fast as I did him.
We have a lot in common when it comes to past relationships, and what we are looking for in a partner. We are both so afraid of hurting each other. He is very sensitive:) (which makes me even more in love with him) His mom had said to him that I have a lot of emotional baggage.. Sorry I havent had the best life or the best parents at times. Im sorry I didnt have the chance to grow up in a christian home, and Im sorry that you feel that way. I know where I want to go in life, who I want to be with, and what I want to do. I do have goals, and I WILL meet those goals. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day, maybe not next week or even in 2 years from now. But I will meet my goals.
I want to first get my health under control. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome which makes it very very very difficult to concieve a child. Plus I have a hormone imbalance on top of that. Which makes it even harder. I currently have no health insurance but hopefully that will change within the next month. Children are pretty much my favorite thing in this world and I would do pretty much anything to have my own, but that kinda leads me into my second goal. I want to go to school for early childhood education/development… Third goal: GRADUATE (obviously), and my fourth goal is to open my own day-care! If I cant have my own children then I will still at least be able to be around and be apart of other parents childre growing up.
Fifth goal kind of comes back to the man I am dating. I want to get married and have a ood marrige this time., I want to do things right and I want someone who is going to treat me right. I really think he could be the one to do that. All I can do is keep praying.
God has a plan for all of us, and I really hope that Charles is a part of God’s great plan for me<3