Diary 1#

I do often think what will happen if I die right now. Who will be happy about it? Who will cry? Who won’t care or get over it really fast?
Let’s start from my family. I know it will hurt in the beginning, but I am sure they will get over it after some time and memories of me will be something that will stay with them as a bad reminder of my existence.
My friends are not any better, of course, they are worse. I am not sure do I even have friends who will miss me so much that will cause them to spill even one drop of tear for me. Ok, maybe Olga will be sadder than anyone else but I am sure that how time past she will get better and I will end up being just a memory.
I wish that there is someone, anyone who will miss me for real. Regret for not giving me more love, care, making me be more happy… I just wish someone will care more about my feeling.
I spent my life waiting for something, sad, crying all the time, hoping for better, hoping for my happy days but they never came. Instead of my happy days, I ended up in places where I am alone, a place where I can just wish that something good could happen to me and being trained for life of work and being alone.
Maybe before I had some hope for happiness, but I think that’s gone now, and I think I am glad that that happened. Because I am sick of having emotions and hoping for better and even being a better person, when everyone else is just looking for the best way to stab me in the back. I feel all alone here, in this world… I wish I can die, but I am too scared to do anything. Maybe death is the reason why I am trying all the crazy things first. My soul is lost, I am only left with this body here to live an empty life.

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