Lucky me

Well I guess you could guess what this entry is going to be about, no? Alright I guess I can tell you. If I didn’t mention it before it sucks falling for the wrong guy, I mean granted there really isn’t anything really wrong with him, because he’s one of the most amazing guys I know in all honesty. But what does it matter really, because all it’s every going to make me do is fall even harder for him. I don’t know how much harder I can fall considering it’s to the point where jealousy is getting the best of me. Like hard core, jealousy. But what is there even to do, tell him? Yeah right telling him will only make everything worse. I guess you could say I’m stuck. Not confused but stuck. I don’t believe in confusion in all honesty. I think everyone knows what they want, but the decision to make it is the hardest part, so instead of all that hard thinking on what to do, people just say things are confusing to avoid conflict, or even explanation. Because really admitting to yourself even is challenging, why can’t these stupid feelings just go away! No matter what I do or say or try to like nothing helps not even the least bit. God, why is it I look at my best friend with disgust? That should not be happening. She’s my best friend, someone I confide in with everything. Basically my rock in school. I see the way she looks at him, and it’s totally head over heels in love with this boy, who I just so happen not be able to get out of my mind. Convenient I know, coincidental? Or just plain old bad luck. I can’t look at him without being angry at myself for letting myself or these feelings get so far. It’s my fault, I’m the terrible one here. My friends, excuse me I mean my BEST friends are in love with him. And even after knowing all of that, I start to fall for him. What is wrong with me, why can’t I just hold back what I’m feeling. Why can’t I fall for someone who would actually like me back, why can’t anyone just fall for me. My personality you could say is what pushes any guy away that I may have feelings for. Even the ones I think that may like me, nope. You’re wrong. I mean come on let’s be real here, who would actually for me. Harsh, yes? True, yes! I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. And I’m just tired, more like exhausted. What I would give to be able to get rid of these unneeded and betrayal feelings I have. If I could I’d take them away in a heart beat. I just need to focus on someone else I suppose. Or you know just become a nun. Like at this very moment I’m not even kidding. Or move, I mean hey then you don’t have friends so you can fall for any guy you want to, and not give a flying hell who likes/liked him because their not your friends and so that means you’re not effected about what they feel towards you. That sounds so much easier, so much better, but so unrealistic. I think I drive myself insane. It’s all me. I don’t know what I do, or why I do it. God maybe I’m just lonely, or just want someone to feel the same way that I feel about them. But that’s also way beyond realistic. Guys see me as well one of the guys. I mean there are no lies here in this statement. I once actually more than once told a guy that I liked them here was there answer,” I would date you, but you’re just.. Abi.” And that’s it, that’s all they would say. I mean what the hell does that even mean? That I’m some ugly ass loser? Well you got me there. I think it’s a compliment but also an insult. I just haven’t decided which one it is yet. Or which one I want it to mean. Just more unanswered questions I have for this world.
-Chow!

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