What else?

Lately it feels like writing is my only escape from reality, it’s like you can make your own reality. I mean it feels like writing is the only thing that I can confide in. Fully trust. Trust me, I have friends that I can trust too, but none of them know the deepest secrets of myself that I hold in. I feel as if I’m betraying them all in some sort of way. They’re all open books to me at least as to how they’re doing and who they like or what they are feeling. Me, I can’t tell my best friend that I’m in love with the guy she likes, well actually more on the lines of obsession. I know, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Other than if I tell her, hell will literally break lose. I also can’t tell my other 3 best friends in fear that they’ll judge me or tell someone on accident, or not so much on accident. I just don’t want sides, which probably will be taken if this secret got out. The only ones that is my 2 councelors, and no I don’t have two because I’m crazy, well maybe, but no one is a school one, which I help her organize things. Which in reality we just talk to the whole hour. That’s not my point, I can only tell people what I’m feeling because for them it’s like illegal for them to say anything. No matter how hard to try, I can’t get over him. But when I pull away he holds on. I don’t know what to do, or I do and I don’t want to do it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me honestly. What kind of friend does it make me if I fall for two of my best friends crushes, that makes me a shitty friend. I guess I am a shitty friend if I actually did fall for him. I told myself that I wouldn’t, I told myself that I wouldn’t be one of those girls, well looky here I am one of those girls now. But the only difference is, is that I don’t show anyone and especially him my feelings. Because if he even got wind of me having confused feelings, he’d take the first train out, and never talk to me again. Yes, that may seem a little dramatic. But it’s not even close. I just need to get away, or really get away from him. Maybe that’s what would make me feel better. I forgot to mention, I’m not going to California anymore. And the sad part about it I’m not even that upset about it. Granted if they grow even closer, which I don’t know how that’s even possible. I may feel a little jealous and maybe I’ll regret it. But I’d rather regret not going, rather than going, regretting it, and now out 800 or so dollars. You make your decision, but I’m making mine. Besides I have a job now, and imagine how much money I could make with this job! A lot, that’s all I’m saying. Besides Kitara and I are already distant, she doesn’t even want me to go with her there. It’s obvious, every time I talk about it she either changes the subject or says she needs more time to figure things out. Which is basically saying stop talking about it with me please, because I don’t want you to go. I just need to get my mind off of things, and hopefully since I’m going to Flordia next week, that’ll be a good break away from him and her! I just, in all honesty I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what should happen. I just don’t know anymore. I need to know though. I need to get my head on straight or something, I’m tired of playing games with myself and end up hurting myself, emotionally of course. So any clues as to what I should do, any suggestions to not drive myself insane. Anything just anything to help? And telling him or her is not an option, and never will be either.


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