Where do I begin?

These first few maybe long just to kind of catch you up…I’m 32 with 2 boys 12 and 13. I grew up in a small town with an alcholic father and a mother who is never happy.  I have one sister 5 years my junior. When I was 16 years old I met “the elusive one” or so I thought. Turns out 9 years and 2 kids later I was so terribly wrong. I believe he came at a time I felt I needed to be rescued from my family due to the constant fighting and drinking between my parents. He has always needed to be the one to save the day. Throughout the 9 years I should have walked away long before I did because he cheated on me with 5 different women that I’m aware of on numerous occasions. He always said he was sorry and it would never happen again and I was dumb enough to keep going back. We finally split up when our youngest son was almost 5 in 2006. Since then I’ve been out with several guys who either used me for money or sex. I have a hard time trusting anyone because my father always chose drinking over us…so much so he would pay for people to go on vacation with us so that he didn’t have to. Nothing I’ve ever done has been good enough for my mom or will ever be for that matter. Every friend I’ve ever had until recently except one has betrayed me for someone I was with. Mostly my first love. A little over a year ago I met someone who I’m currently with. This has been the hardest first year of any relationship I believe I’ve ever seen. When we got together he was an alcholic who had stopped drinking…for a little while. Then the drinking started back up. The first 10 months of our relationship we battled his alcholoism along with my insecurity, depression, and sever lack of trust. Now keep in mind that also during this time one of my best friends finally left her abusive husband and came to stay with me till she could find work, a place to go for her and her daughter, and a way to get around. Things were going fine until I got into a huge fight with my boyriend and he ended up leaving and going back to his mom’s house. We talked for a week and he agreed he needed help and couldn’t do it alone. I went with him to his first AA meeting. Now in the meantime he starts staying with me again as we’re working on our problems and have decided we’re not jumping back into a relationship right off the bat. During this time my friend decides to go stay with another one of her best friends so her husband can’t find her for awhile. While she’s gone I find out that her and my boyfriend at the time were living with me and I was supporting me, my kids, him, her, and her daughter had slept together. He tried to justify it by saying that we weren’t together which technically I guess we weren’t, but I’m supporting you both and you have the balls to have sex with her in my bed while I’m at work. She denied anything ever happened, but he says that they did. We split up for awhile, but are now back together and working things out. That happened along time ago and I’m trying to get past it. We still have our problems though he is 3 days shy of being sober 5 months. That I am extrememly proud of him for because he quit cold turkey. I still struggle with my insecurity and depression and need for everyone to like me. It even affects my work life. If someone at work doesn’t like me or says something smart I end up crying my eyes out. I don’t want to be like this. I’ve been in therapy for a very long time and tried lots of different meds. I’m working with my boyfriend on 3rds now and my sleep schedule is so screwed up. Well between that and all the crap on my mind. I no longer want to be the person whose self worth is based on what others think of me. How do I go about getting passed that?

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