Desperate Splurge….Before Explosion.

Okay Journal, so here it is. It’s been almost two weeks since my last entry and I guess I am getting to that pent up angry stage again when I get really down, so it’s time to splurge before that happens…

My first gripe of the day is that I’s don’t automatically get capitalized, grrr this really pisses me off. But hey relatively minor in the grand scheme of things. I have tried over the past couple of weeks to write something but for some reason I just have not been able to find the drive or enough words to say anything remotely worth actually keeping. Pfft. Which leads me to wonder why life is so hard why life throws so many trials and tribulations at us, allows so many people to fall before they have really reached the end of their path. Death had always been the one thing that scared me more than anything before, but the more I think about it the more I begin to wonder what I was worried. This after all is only temporary. I sometimes wonder if this is hell? Or is this God’s entry test to heaven? If we can be good, kind, loyal and strong in faith in this life we will be rewarded with the most beautiful heaven. (Mine would have a McDonald’s that you could eat all day and night and it would never make you sick and fat)  I wonder is it wrong that I put so much hope in finding a partner, is that like worshipping a false idol putting faith in something other than God to make me happy? People have told me before that I am condemned to a life of hell for being a lesbian, but I don’t think I any longer believe that to be true, I believe that I have a God who is kind and patient and he made us in his image, meaning God created me as gay women. Nothing feels more natural to me within the deep depths of my inside that to admire the beauty and sparkle he has put in women, and would our God tell us it’s wrong to love? In 1 Corinthians 13, it tells us Love is the greatest verse 13 the last verse of that chapter says in plain and simple English…”Three things will last forever- faith, hope and love- the greatest of these is love”. I love to read the bible I feel there are some beautiful passages in there that we could all learn a lot from. Where I struggle is suppose is in putting all my faith in God, I feel he has let me down before and when you feel someone has left down the become harder and harder to trust the more it happens!

Recently one of my best friends turned her back on me because I made a mistake and said something which she interpreted as me having a go at her. But it must have been about a month since we last spoke now and I’m starting to think that perhaps I am better off without her in my life? It’s hard for me to think  that about someone who I have been friends since I was 16 but the more I think it the more I start to see it’s true. I pray that maybe one day things will be different, but not now and not this day.

It’s difficult to understand though what God was thinking when he enabled humans to have the emotion of Love. I mean yes, when it’s wonderful, it’s wonderful. But in that same statement when it’s shitty it can get really shitty. I wonder how many humans have the capacity to remain sane and reasonable when coping with that shit. The answer I guess is not many. Love has made many people do crazy and stupid things. But emotional there truly no escape from the struggles!

I think I probably have a really crazy head like one minute im tired and then the next I am thinking of something else I could write about. I suppose it’s a about this point in my entry I can put this, I wrote everyday for the last couple of weeks last months and got not a single comment, i’ve noticed new people come on and get a welcome comment…I got nothing. It’s just making me start to wonder if there is anyone with any depth on this site…in this world. I don’t write because im living for people to respond that’s not what it’s about, but it makes me think if people don’t any longer have the will power to read entry’s that are longer than two paragraphs then what is this world coming to? If it’s more than the quoted amount of characters for a single text message it’s too much is the attitude I am beginning to see all around me! I can imagine come 2030, we won’t be teaching verbs, nouns and adjectives but emoticons, text abbreviations, how to take a fab selfie ;D Which makes me feel a little bit sick, how long is it before robots take over our jobs, homes and lives??

I know i’ve talked about this before but I hate how we have no control over who we fall in love with!? Wouldn’t life be so much simpler if we could? Ahh here we go again the sleepy moment, so before I totally fall asleep I’m going to love you and leave you..

Peace Out xxx

4 thoughts on “Desperate Splurge….Before Explosion.”

  1. It really is weird how I had written a post in my livejournal space about basically the same thing this morning. How people have become less intimate in their approach these days. Of course, my post was directly related to all this technology that has consumed our society. I’m glad to know that there are still people out there that journal and write – in addition they take the time to read more than a Facebook status update.
    Don’t give up expressing yourself in such a healthy way.

  2. Thanks Tossed_wishes, your actually the first person to comment on any of my posts mostly I imagine because a lot of people don’t seem to have the capacity to read past the first couple of lines so thanks! =) As a youth worker I see everyday at work the detrimental effect our technological world has had on young people and how they grow up and live. So I get what you mean! It sucks a bit. I would love to keep a written journal as oppose to this virtual one, but as I explain I believe in an earlier post I have my mother to thank for stopping me doing that! I suppose though it’s a comfort to know there is at least one person out there who maybe thinks a little bit like me!

  3. hello I am sorry noone has commented on your journal but I bin reading a few of your posts and liked them but really could not think of what to say in commanting on them. but want you to know that although I am strate and of caflic religion I don’t have anything roing beaing gay or a lesbian. and sory of the friends you lost I lost alot of friends over the years for no good reason so know how that is.

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