Dear Diary!!!

I have these days, quite often where I would like to just run away! Escape this life, start another, take a different path that leads to a different place. I think about nothing most of the time, except that I am a failure, that I could have been so much better. but that I’m not, and I never will be. I think quite often of all the ways that I could be a better wife, and mother, and daughter, sister, grand daughter, and so on. I just don’t have the energy, the outcome seems so far away I don’t feel it’s worth it because I’m not sure I can live that long. I have constant pain, not just emotional, but physical. I feel that there is something seriously wrong with me, in both aspects. I just don’t know what it is, I have a hole, somewhere inside me that I don’t know how to fill. I want to feel something besides hurt, anger, sadness, emptiness, and alone. I want to be a happy person, and not be the person pretending to be happy. I want to love myself, I want to have friends, I want to not see the things I see, and hear the things I hear. I think I may be a schizo and too afraid to find out for sure. When I lay down in bed and I’m alone, I hear people talking, I hear music, I hear crying, but it never seems to come from anywhere, when I try to focus on it, it stops. I used to think it was the neighbors outside for a very long time, but then I realized that it wasn’t. I see things, I think I’ve always seen things. I see people, I feel someone with me, or around me but when I look at them they vanish. I scares me, I scare myself. It’s not just at night, which would make more sense, it’s during the day. I used to love scary movies, I can’t even stand to watch anything remotely scary anymore. I get scared way to easy now. Me and my husband used to watch ghost hunter shows, it was i guess “our thing.” I can’t even stand the thought of it. I can’t stand being alone, the voices, the appearances out of the corner of my eyes come back. I hate it, I hate it so bad. I don’t think that’s the worst of it, the feelings are the worst of it. The feeling I get that someone is here, that they are behind me, and when I turn around one day I will see them. I can lay in bed and feel things crawl on me, I can feel things touch me, I can hear whispers. I want to die. I think about dying, but then what will happen to me, if they are trying to get to me here, what will happen when they can? Why do I have to be afraid of myself!!!

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