Lonely

Life is a rather monotonous event for me.  Every day is the same routine, and not a joyous one.  I have aspirations, of course; It’s finding the motivation to pursue them that’s difficult..  I move through each day somehow finding the will to not break down inside.  I hurt.. I have so many hurts that I lock them inside in order to keep from doing just that.  My children….. Need I say more..?  I know inside what I am going through in that regard, so I would rather not write down my feelings on this matter.. It would just cause what I feel will be that inevitable break down.  I do not wish to have someone to talk to.  If I cannot write my feelings down in a journal I most certainly cannot speak them to another human being.  I did succumb to tears late yesterday evening over something so simple as being accused of drinking someone’s cup of ice water.  Did I?  No.. But just that small accusation struck a chord.  I find myself wondering if these painful memories and hurts will eventually fade and become scars.  I want them to… Oh, do I want them to..  It’s hard to find any sort of faith when all I’m ever confronted with are my mistakes and no immediate way to atone for them.  Will things ever change?  Can I make them?

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