its been a while

how would i sum up the last few months? well they have been hectic both good and bad i started a relationship with my asshole father and was crushed all over again, have had a boyfriend for the last 5+ months, started a new relationship with my mother but the big one is i haven’t self harmed since my last post and that for me is huge! i may not be cutting anymore but i was harming myself in other ways i wasn’t eating nor drinking and i would do that for days on end i was making myself throw up just to stop myself feeling numb. Spending more than just a day or 2 with the boyfriend he started noticing that i wasn’t eating and that i was getting sick and he flipped his shit i mean it wasn’t the kind where he would yell at me or anything he would make me feel so guilty that i would think any time he wanted to talk he was going to break up with me or guilt me some more and that’s a horrible feeling made me feel so terrible about myself i wasn’t looking after myself i couldn’t eat a whole meal and i had to have my boyfriend make me eat and we would fight about it a lot! after about 3 months of feeling like death all the time i gave up and decided to force myself to eat i mean it hurt a lot and it was really hard it would hurt to swallow foods and i would only be able to eat child size, my very close friends son who is 2 was eating more than i could any time id try to eat as much as him id feel like i was going to throw up i would get hot and cold sweats and feel faint that’s when i knew i had to push myself and hard if i wanted to get past it… all though i was feeling like i was making a huge step and felt like i was doing something right i guess it just wasn’t showing because we kept fighting about it and it would seem that if it wasn’t food he was making me feel guilty about it was something else, so many times i was ready to say im done i don’t wanna do this anymore but i didn’t and im happy i didn’t because now the guilt is almost gone i mean hes still lecturing about what i eat but not how much i eat so i guess things are starting to look really good and im really proud of myself even if it seems like i haven’t done all that much

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