so much changes in a year

I look back at my journals on this website and I can’t believe it was in June in 2013 when I ¬†said I loved a boy that I don’t even think twice about now. The things I did and wrote about him are the same things I felt and wrote about for a guy that I started talking to not too long after. Pattern? Yes. It wasn’t love either times. And seeing those journals proved it. Because if it was love I wouldn’t have written prrettyy much the same things about the two boys, especially considering the first one I don’t have to think TWICE …I don’t even remember liking him..which makes me laugh. This is a way for me to I guess really realize that things that seem to matter so much at one point becomes so irrelevant eventually. It eases my mind. I wanted to take my life a few times because of a boy…but does that really say anything about them…no I think it is actually saying something about me. That I have come A LONG WAY. I have found God, and I have really started putting my faith in him through reading the Bible, praying, and really getting answers. A few months ago I didn’t want to live, and now so many opportunities have opened up for me. If you feel like everything around you isn’t going to get better, I am here to tell you it is. I am also here to preach that becoming close with God has played a huge role in me being where I am today. Yes, I still cry, but I don’t stay depressed. I actually do things now, and enjoy them. I have a really important person that has opened my eyes to faith and love, Victoria Elizabeth Parga. I don’t think she knows how much she really means to me. She is honestly an angel from heaven because in my darkest moments I think of her, and how she has showed me the light. I can never look down on myself like I used to because I know my worth. Or I am getting closer to understanding how much I really do love myself and how easy it is to be a good person when you try and pray about it. I have come to the conclusion that nothing is as bad as it seems and even though it took close to death for me to get here, it was all worth it. I have a little baby sister, Armita Jasmine who I couldn’t imagine never holding. She is proof that God exists in the most beautiful form. LOVE, unconditionally is proof that you don’t need tangible proof to believe. My next step is to GET TO KNOW GOD. I speak of him now, but I want to know him. I want to know Jesus. I want to live the life that was planned through Christ. Because life might be beautiful, but I want to enter His Kingdom in all its rarest beauty. I don’t want to waste a minute thinking I could have. Love is all we need. Please, if you think about giving up, just pray. Because repentance and prayers will not take anything but time and patience. So before you ever think of taking your life, or someone elses… whether that be through words…or actions…just pray…and believe what you are saying…and you might see the world change around you. My question to you is…if you are planning to take your own life anyways what do you have to lose? Nothing. But it can only get better from here. Trust. I am living proof.

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