Not much has happened today, can’t help but feel like I’m back in a familiar phase. Stuck in a place in between spaces looking down at my small life on a small planet wondering when I will return. Suspended animation above the everyday action and all I see is a guy sleeping through the explosions of a rapidly changing world where something dramatic seems to be happening everywhere but here in my small little world. I seem to be stuck, I can’t move forward afraid I’m losing time because my heart beat is out of line because gravity doesn’t have affect on me and I’m scared because I’m not moving anywhere being stuck in void right above my bed where I watch myself sleep. Why am I not going anywhere? How did I get here and how do I return. How do I prevent this from happening again? Getting caught in suspended animation.
this seems to be the best way to describe my depression that comes and goes everyday. small things trigger thoughts from the past. traumas to be specific which creates an affect internally which can spin my emotions/moods in almost any direction. it’s hard not to freak out in public sometimes. really i just wish i could live normally without having to experience a warfare inside of me. i’ve gotten used to it ever since it began when i was around 12. didn’t realize that bipolar ran on my mother’s side of the family but wouldn’t have known because dad thought moving away from her after a couple years from the divorce would make me normal and acceptable when really i was out of control.
yeah sure we could all agree that someone else has it worse yes of course that is true. but this is my life and no one else is living it but me and so I gotta admit it still sucks. just in different category on a different level. if i had to put the level of misery i go through everyday compared to the war veteran who was deformed from terrible 3rd degree burns and left with one arm and a limp for the rest of his life, that being a 10, I’d had to say I’m a 6. yeah it’s not that bad at all, but it still sucks.
right now i’m just hoping to get back to work soon, get my medical insurance going again so i can go back to my shrink and back on the meds i need to continue pursuing my dreams.
today wasn’t really eventful journal. still stuck in suspended animation.