Usually Fridays are the days where I hang out with my few gamer friends where we all sit around and smoke weed watch awesome videos online and attempt to perfect our gaming skills in each others good company. Unfortunately yesterday one of our friend’s cat died and he’s sad now about it. I feel for the guy. I was around 5 years old when I lost my first family pet. He was a mut dog always getting into some kind of trouble. But that old Dog never bit anybody, never attacked anyone but always barked at strangers like a good watch dog. We had to give him away when we moved out of the house we were currently living in. I was really sad about the whole thing, but at that age its was difficult for me to understand and cope with loss. So I distracted myself with my own fantasies in attempt to shut down my feelings because also at the time my sister was recovering from a sexual assault she endured from our step father. I haven’t heard or seen him ever since from that abusive deranged man ever since he exited my childhood. My mother was never good at picking spouses. I can’t really blame her because she went through the same thing too. Hate to admit it but everyone in my family seems to have suffered some sort of assault in their childhood at some point. That, creating ptsd along with Mom’s bipolar together can really cloud one’s judgment. She never made good choices in the long run, but always tried to do her best with what she knew. It’s just having that old mut dog around somehow helped me live with the unspoken chaos at that time in my childhood.
I feel for my friend because in a way I guess I can relate to losing a valuable companion. Nothing is ever the same when such things happen to us. I know it like that for me and my family when shit got too real.
And now recently I’m trying to go back in my memories history to figure out exactly when I chose to shut down and live in my own world because I was unable to handle the darkness of reality. I hope that I can bring myself back to modern day earth so that I may move one from the past.
I wonder if getting a new dog will help?