Here goes

I’m not much of a writer, never have been. I’m too self conscious of every thing I do but from time to I test myself to actually keep some sort of consistently or agreement with myself with no one else involved but me. I want to keep note of my thoughts so they don’t get lost the abyss that is myself cause I must say I sometimes have good ones, and sense a pen doesn’t work for me maybe typing will. God I am one long winded women. Ha I could never control those run on sentences.

*cigarette break*



*drink break*


okay things might get a little foggy now…


Past three and half have been a whirl wind of total nonsense. I feel like im talking in first second and third party tones. im not use to online journals. I dont know if anyone will ever read this. but thats not the point. back to the point. yesterday i was talking to my bestfriend about whats been going with me. I have known her her for 14 for 14 years. be its still hard sometimes. when im normal and in my total logic of self. i know there is no reason in hell why i should feel the way i do. people have it worse then me. I have the the best support team and anyone could dream of.  i feel like such an asshole.  and next minute it all can change. im gone. who knows when ill be back. 10mins 1hour 1 day. theres no control. theres no rhythm or reason. i miss myself. i just just want lavina back. where are you…



hopefully next week i will be back on my meds because a month off….leads to shit.


i just want to be a normal functioning human again, with goals, and aspirations. focused. im alive but i want to FEEL alive. content. not broken and separated into all these pieces that dont fit.


One thought on “Here goes”

  1. I FEEL YOU! sometimes i lose myself in the process of trying to not lose myself but honestly go with the flow of things. If you feel lost one day, get lost even if it makes you demented or crazy in some way! let the feeling be, dont fight it and sooner or later youll forget somehow that you ever felt like shit or however it is youre feeling. just thought id comment on this, stay trippy!

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