I’m not much of a writer, never have been. I’m too self conscious of every thing I do but from time to I test myself to actually keep some sort of consistently or agreement with myself with no one else involved but me. I want to keep note of my thoughts so they don’t get lost the abyss that is myself cause I must say I sometimes have good ones, and sense a pen doesn’t work for me maybe typing will. God I am one long winded women. Ha I could never control those run on sentences.
okay things might get a little foggy now…
Past three and half have been a whirl wind of total nonsense. I feel like im talking in first second and third party tones. im not use to online journals. I dont know if anyone will ever read this. but thats not the point. back to the point. yesterday i was talking to my bestfriend about whats been going with me. I have known her her for 14 for 14 years. be its still hard sometimes. when im normal and in my total logic of self. i know there is no reason in hell why i should feel the way i do. people have it worse then me. I have the the best support team and anyone could dream of. i feel like such an asshole. and next minute it all can change. im gone. who knows when ill be back. 10mins 1hour 1 day. theres no control. theres no rhythm or reason. i miss myself. i just just want lavina back. where are you…
hopefully next week i will be back on my meds because a month off….leads to shit.
i just want to be a normal functioning human again, with goals, and aspirations. focused. im alive but i want to FEEL alive. content. not broken and separated into all these pieces that dont fit.