WARNING: I have a lot to say in order to tell you how I feel…
I’m going to have a lot of blanks to fill in in order to explain how I’m feeling. Essentially I’ve decided to write this to try and get all the thoughts that whizz around in my head and keep me up at night out. I want a clearer, simpler mindset.
It’s probably due to discontentment that I feel so churned up inside. Sometimes I feel fine. I don’t feel fine when:
I’m on my own
I’m with my very close friend, Megan (she’s wonderful, it’s not her fault)
I’m fed up with offloading every single thought that I over analyse onto people I know. I have 1000000 things to say and I say it all at 100 miles an hour. I must be unbearable. Recently my best friend in uni, Megan became a bit odd towards me. I got the impression I made her feel exasperated and irritated. I don’t blame her. I constantly have “things on my mind“. I’m constantly complaining, reflecting, fretting. I’d hate to be my friend. And I talk and talk and talk. I do remind myself to ask Megan questions and to take forced breathers so she can get a word in edgeways… But overall I think I still come across as a complete steam train that just will not give it a rest.
So why do I have all these thoughts in my head?
I’ve always thought that I am extremely inward looking- in an unfortunately selfish way. I wouldn’t describe myself as selfish… However I think my my view on the world is extremely self centred. Not regarding compromise, “you want to see that film- sure!” Or “you’d rather we eat here instead of where I suggested- no problem.” I’m not self centred in that way. I mean it as in… I forget sometimes when I speak that I am talking to another person with thoughts and feelings… Not a sounding board. I am also very emotional. I am certainly an extrovert. I’m not shy and I make friends easily. I make people laugh, I’m not afraid to get close to people… But I think I also come across as the most carefree, happy person in the world and I’m not. I’m not like ‘boohoo poor me‘! I don’t want to people to think I’m troubled and carrying a lot of weight on my shoulders- unless I decide to make them an extremely close friend.. And I only really let them in after I register that they know how to handle me. Megan, for example, can handle all my shit about boys… The over analysing that we all do tbf… But she can’t handle me talking about how stressful my uni course is (veterinary) or how worried I am about my father (an alcoholic and general lunatic who’s married to an Azerbaijani gold-digger and works every hour under the sun resulting in him looking about 500 rather than 50) In all honestly I think the only person ever able to handle it was my ex boyfriend of 4 and 1/2 years, Alex. He could only handle it because he was the kindest person in the world and he loved me a lot. He didn’t actually know what to say… But he didn’t need to. Now I have to split my worries accordingly… I talk to Megan about boys because she can’t handle dad or course worries. I talk to mum about dad because talking to her about boys properly (ie details such as whether I slept with him or not) is out of the question and I can’t talk to her about my course because she sort of shouts at me… ‘You knew what you were getting into!’ ‘You need to do more work!’ Bllahhhh… The person I talk to about my course… No one really. I tends to come out along with hysterical tears to unsuspecting friends, Ben’s had a good dose of it. Whoops. I’m fucking mental, I think.
So at the minute I feel flat as a pancake. I’m home from uni for easter and I feel terribly empty. I just finished my lambing placement (I’m studying Veterinary- joy to the world) and having finished it I’ve realised how all the passion, ambition and confidence that I had regarding my future career before uni has gone. It’s still first year and all ready the novelty and excitement has evaporated. I need to get it back. I haven’t decided it’s not for me… I’ve just lost my way. SECOND! I am overweight.. I mean by about half a stone probably, I’m not overweight I’m just not as slim as I would like ie. lean and fit but not like Cameron Diaz or anything stupid. And finally… I’m lonely. I feel I’ve fucked up with Megan, I can tell I do her head in and I’m really trying to rectify it… but I don’t know how and I have no other proper girl friends left. Uni has been a huge disappointment for friends… but that can be saved for yet another HUUUUGE entry which I’m sure millions of you will be dying to read…
Weirdly my father isn’t a concern at the moment despite the fact that every time he rings me he is pissed and talking rubbish and that I haven’t seen him since Christmas because every time he comes home from work (in Shetland) he’s been drunk and I’ve been forced to tell him where to go. But it doesn’t upset me anymore… He’s always been mental but before he went to Shetland for about 3 years he seemed stable-ish. He worked enough to live, he didn’t drink, I saw him twice a week and we got on like a house on fire. We’d go for walks on teh beach and we’d talk and talk and talk, it was a good relationship and I was happy. Now.. I feel like that was all fake. Not fake but the calm before the storm, a really nice blip that happened before he spiralled back down into his pit of alcohol and bullshit. Gosh, I’m becoming very poetic.
I think that’s enough information for future entries to have some context…