When will this end?

And here it goes again, another night of wondering if i can dig us out of this constant hell hole i keep putting us into. our bank account is over drawn, i don’t know what i’m gonna do, i’m hopeless, helpless. i just want to run away, leave and never look back. but then what kind of mother would i be? what kind of wife would i be? what kind of person would i be? i used to think that committing suicide was a cowards way, but then i found myself in this state, now i can see where they come from. now i can feel what they felt, now i just wish i was strong enough to do it myself. why do we end up in predicaments like this? it’s always one thing right after another and i can’t stand it, why isn’t it just one thing and then things go okay for a while? what am i going to do about the bills on payday when they take 600 out of his check? what am i gonna tell my son about the bike we promised him for his first sleep over? do i tell him he can’t go and break his heart, shattering mine in the process? do i even still have a heart? it’s empty if i do, how could any good person think this way, do these things to their family? i’m so lost, so lost to the point i would really like to be lost. i would like to stop pretending that i’m okay all the time, i would like to stop the smiles, and keep the tears, i would like someone to ask me if i’m okay once in a while, not that i let on that i’m not. i feel like there is a little creature clawing at me from the inside for just that glimpse of the sun, so it’s not living in darkness. i want to stop the constant physical and emotional pain. i want to see a dr and tell them everything i think is wrong with me, i want the medication that numbs it all, but i also don’t want the judgement that will surely come if i go this route. i want to feel nothing, it would be better than feeling the things that i do. i want the gun in my hand to not shake when i hold it to the side of my head, i want the thoughts of my kids not finding me when i’m contemplating with the bottle of pills, i want the razor to not hurt when i hold it to my skin. i want to go, to go away and not have anyone care. not have anyone cry for me, not be a part of anyones world.

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