procrastinator?lazy?or liar?

So I didn’t keep the promise I made to myself. I would post a journal everyday about my progress in life but haven’t because at the time I thought I didn’t have anything to write about when in actuality there was a lot going on.

So I called my old job a few days ago to let them know that I was ready to get back to work only to be disappointed that they wouldn’t take me back or technically take me at all for whatever reason. Now I understand that I’ve been out for awhile but for a legit reason, I was injured and  needed time to heal. For whatever reason though they didn’t want me to work for them anymore. I was pissed and hot for long part of that day but realized later that evening that it was for my best because that company is a piece of shit.

I called my old friend who I haven’t spoken to for almost over a year now asking him if he would help me put a good word in at the place he works. That guy has a big heart and a forgiving nature that I will one day understand. He was forgiving and loving enough to say that he would help me in whatever way he could by utilizing his exponential/self proclaimed reputation of his to help get me into work again. I was relieved and worried at the same time. Relieved that I have created some closure between me and my old friend that will now help me find a new employment. Worried, because he has known to over exaggerate himself and his positions. That and I’m afraid he might not help me at all in fear of him not wanting to help because I’ll admit I didn’t get him a Christmas present last year.

So I’m looking for applications of my own to be safe if my worries are true. After all I was trained growing up the majority of my adulthood to expect and prepare for the worse. I found enough to keep my busy tomorrow which is good. The more busy I am the more I forget how pitiful and pathetic my life and my family’s is and has been ever since I was born and far before then.

I’m lucky that I saved some of my anti depressants for times like these where I’m out of work, got no insurance, and slowly going mad because I’m out of work. Drugs help a lot for me. It helps me remained at a medium between the seemingly random mood swings I get from simple things that trigger my traumas and whatever other shit unbalances I have going on inside my head. I have enough drugs to sit through a few interviews and endure a few weeks of work before I run out. Plus the busier I am the better because I all I want is to be so busy that I no time to think about my past or future. If I must think about my future I just want to think about ways to move out of my shitty roach infested apartment, ways to afford acting lessons and martial art lessons, ways to afford to keep my girl friend around before she gets sick of my mental, crazy, dysfunctional, broke ass and finds another 100 other reasons to leave my sad life.

Really at the end of the day it’s quiet contradicting. A literally complicated guy like myself just wants a few simple things. I want to be content with my life. I want to be able to act as class C celebrity in a few movies every year while assisting musicians in writing songs or albums, while occasionally fighting in the boxing ring for fun. That’s the life I would love to have. It took me many years to realize what I really wanted. It’s so simple but at times seems like its in the next universe away out of my reach. I get that life wasn’t meant to be easy at all and of course it’s unfair. But what’s truly unfair is when your predecessor choose to keep you down and don’t encourage you to accomplish great things let alone just the simple things you desire. By predecessor I mean actually just referring to my own parents who abused and neglected me while spending more time and love with my other siblings. Logic says that when child fails to meet their parent’s expectations, the parent will shift their focus on the child who shows more promise. Fuck Logic. Fuck my parents. Fuck my siblings. And fuck the king and his kingdom….-the hound Game of Thrones.

I will never forget the good things my parents did for me though. They always supported my financial and basic needs. And as long as I don’t soil their reputation, they won’t disown me. Yay for family. At least we don’t live in the dark ages where my dad would of stuck me with a knife or stoned me like he threatened to when I was a child. Yeah, i guess that’s my version of optimistic for you.

I’ll try to stay on top of my everyday writing from now on and put better things to read about. I’m actually more concerned about my drugs. I’m running low. Gotta get back to work soon before I do something I’m gonna regret for the rest of my short life. Like blow my own brains out or eat the next person who fucks with me.


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