When I actually quiet down and think about how bad my derealization and depersonalization is, I… fall further apart.
Nobody understands. Nobody, but the others who suffer from this, too.
The constant dreamy state, like nothing is real, like you’re in a coma and this is all fake…
And the constant emptiness in the mind.
My mind used to be very loud, constant thoughts from all angles, shouting through one another. And now?
Well, now it’s silent.
I’m never conscious of what I’m doing – it just happens automatically. I’m never thinking of anything anymore, and as I read things, I’m not even fully aware of what I’m reading. I’m just moving my eyes, and my brain is picking up words. I’m not really reading. I’m not really here.
I’m not alive, in a sense.
My mind is dead… like the “office” I once pictured my mind as, has been completely abandoned. Could be from more frequent calming techniques and kinetic practices and meditation of sorts, but I don’t think so… Could be my defense mechanism to get away from the stress, because there’s a lot of it. Perhaps that plays a part.
But most of it, is from this … fucking DR and DP bullshit.
Do you know what this is like? To sleepwalk everywhere? To move, without living? To act, without knowing? To say, without thinking?
To be dead would be no different, because I’d have no thoughts then, just as I don’t now.
My thoughts come as I type, that’s how this is coming to be. I’m not actually thinking outside of this.
An empty, vast, black void of darkness, of delta brainwaves, of dead silence.
It’s horrible, really…
…I’m not even conscious when I’m laughing with my best friend anymore…
…How much more time is going to pass, and how much worse is this going to get?
It feels like it can get worse, as bad as it already is, and that’s not a comforting thought. It’ll never end. There’s no “cure”, really… it’s a fucked up state of mind.
Hell is better than this. Limbo is even better.
This is horrible. A nightmare without the monsters.
Pure. Dead. Silence.
In pitch-black darkness, no one around, no thoughts, no cares, no desires or wants, no needs, just… nothing.