Hello. My name is Carolean. I grew up in Bronx, New York. Ever since I could remember I lived in a bubble. My mother was all about church and my father was always working. I am one or 4 sisters. Yes, I am the baby. My childhood is very vague. Seems to me that I can only remember the whippings I got when I was young. My oldest sister Christina I did not grow up with. However there was Jessie and Kellie. Jessie always made sure she was invisible. A;ways locking herself up in her room in her own world. This is something I can understand. As for Kellie, she is the complete opposite. She loves to compete with people and jolly high does that girl love to be in the center of attention. I grew up going to church every single day. I was not allowed to hang out with friends because my mom does not believe in “hanging out.” My mom shamed anything secular. As for my dad he had quite the temper. Took him about five minutes to snap as I recall it. I have a kind of tender heart and I love to help people. I was always the one in the center tryind to mend all that was broken. Now my parents fight alot. My dad is a cave man in a sense. He can’t properly express himself so he resorts to fits and anger but deep down in side he loves my mother. As for my mother, well, she likes to be in control of things. She wants to dominate everything and everyone without even realizing what she’s doing. My dad worked in his own buisness doing home improvement while my mom worked two jobs. As for schooling I remember going to public elementry school with Kellie in the city. Kellie and I were always joined at the hip because we were a year apart. Jessie is about eight years older then the both of us. Now Kellie had this bad habit of wanting to be in your skin so she’s was always around me. One day Jessie was supposed to pick me up and my mother was supposed to come pick up Kellie later on. I can’t quite remember exactly why me and Kellie were going to be picked up at different times but Kellie was not having it. As soon as Jessie want to take my off the school play ground Kellie viciously attacked me. She didn’t want me to leave without her and then we started fighting. Now Kellie and I are the youngest of four and apparently the wildest out of the bunch. My sister Christina always said we were the “fighters” and boy did we fight. Kellie and I fought until the police and fire men came. I remember my father coming to pick us up. On the train ride home he made it clear we were going to get it. Of coarse we got expelled, I don’t remember how or why but apparently Kellie and I started to attack teachers. Bad idea. When me and Kellie got home my dad sat us down in the living room and yelled at us for about twenty minutes before my pants were down and my butt was as red as a cherry. Of coarse I got it first because I walked to him when he asked me to come. Kellie on the other hand bolted to the back of the house and managed to climb onto the top shelf of a closet. Still don’t know how she got up there but she got hers. This is the first severe beating I could remember. Had marks for days. Dear old Parchester I will never forget the days. My mom had us transfer to a private school in Queens. Evangel Christian school to be exact. My mom exposed us to far traveling at a young age and I must say I’m glad. I would have to travel and hour and a half to school. Talk about good conditioning. Anyways, I wasn’t too happy to be in a private school. I’m not very fond of judgemental people. It amazes me how we all wore the same uniform and still, some how, private school was way more competitive then public school. My sister Kellie was always getting in trouble. Watching her get whipped alot indirectly taught me to make sure I was in order. My mother even said I was never potty trained. “I used to fight with Kellie to use the bathroom. Guess me fighting with her all the time taught you how to be potty trained.” I was always a fast learner and never really liked being in the spot light. Escpecially negative spotlight. I was always a grade A student. Kellie and I returned to public school. Yes it was third grade. It was a wonderful time. Our school was down the block and we used to hang out a little after school. My mother and father were always home late. Yes third grade when I had my first fight in school. I always had just two friends no matter where I went. Two quarters compared to a hundred pennies. Well I remember one of my friends sort of turned into a bully. I’m am very quiet and analyze everything before I take action. I like to understand what’s going on. I started to realize she only bullied the ones that let her bully me. Of coarse I let her have it. I was standing in line for lunch and just snapped. First time I realized what a bully was and I didn’t like it one bit. I think 3rd grade was it for me when I really started to realize the different people that were out there. I always had guys friends since I could remember. My mother said she never understood why all of her daughters were prone to male friends. I honestly think the way my mother acted made me and all of my sisters draw to the guys. My mother was so much drama. Hanging out with my dad would be going out to play basketball and then grabbing a slice of pizza. Simple and clean. I mean my dad even kept it simple when we got in trouble. We got our but whipped and then went out for ice cream that’s it. It was over. My mother would spank us and never let us live it down. Thinks that we did two years ago would alwyas be brought up and thrown in our faces. Yes, I’m on the guys team thank you. In third grade I remember my first so called crushed. His name was Paul. I was a chubby chaser then. One day Kellie and I decided to bring Pauls friend Jason over to the house. We knew our parents wouldn’t be home until late. The rush of doing something so silly was fanstastic. I mean I only went to church seven days a week. We bring Jason upstairs and all of a sudden we hear keys. I wasn’t goig to get spanked for no boy. We rank into Jessie’s roo mand decided pushing him out the window was the best idea. Poor guy went right through the awning. Turns out it was just our landlord. Well we had to explain the hole and decided to go with, “We were playing with the bowling ball in the drive-way.” We got off pretty easy but Jason never spoke to us again. My sisters and I always fought verbally and physically. It doesn’t mean we didn’t love each other we just had short tempers and didn’t put up with any nonsense so going into school was another problem. I actually had to have my mom sit with me at lunch for two weeks because I stabbed up a boy with a pencil for trying to touch my private parts. Of coarse my mother didn’t take my side but that boy never touched me again. I could never go to my mom about any advice or trouble. She would always be like, ” I don’t want to hear it” or the “you obviously did something to be in this situation.” So I learned to get by on my own without that “mommy” support. Kellie had no filter and was always ready to take on a crowd. After she got jumped one day after a he said she said my mom sent us back to private school in Queens. I wasn’t so thrilled. I didn’t like moving around so much and never felt settled. In the back of our school was a church. So sometimes Kellie and I would play dodgeball until church service began. Man we had no lives. I don’t remember how or why but I had this really bad habit of falling for guys I had nnever spoke a word too. Ther was this guy named Mike. I used to stare at him alot. He was tall handsome and well spoken. One day out of no where as I was waiting for my mother to come outside after service he pulled me to the side and said, “I don’t know what it is but I love you.” I didn’t say anything to the guy. I was in shock and didn’t understand where his so called “love” came from but I was head over heels for him. I kept replaying that moment in my head. The way he pulled me ti the side. Us standing in the rain. I totally blame these romantic Disney movies that feed you all this lovey dovey garbage and I couldn’t even explain why I thought I loved the guy. I was smitten and wanted to see him so badly. When time came around for us to be in the same bible class again I got the knews he moved to Florida. I was so heart broken. I couldn’t understand why he would tell me he loved me and then leave. I was young and dumb but the feleling was so real. I became more distant from “love” after that. It wasn’t long before Kellie got expelled. I was getting a good education in a good school and it was stolen from me by my sister. She decided to steal from the principals office and man was that lady not playing. At the time I was taking piano lessons across the street from my school. Decided to give up “love” and focus on something us. Playing the piano was the only way to get my dad to speak to me anyway. He never really spoke to me until I started to play the piano. The principal chased my sister into my music school so check her bag for what I believed to be candy or money. She got expelled. I guess my parents didnt want one daughter in Queens and one daughter in the Bronx so I had to transfer. It was right before Christmas. Fifth grade was definitely not my best year. I was the weird one coming from a private school. the one who had manners and morals. I remember sitting in the lunch room for the first time and getting stared at. It was a really weird position to be in. Everyone knew one another and I was a stranger. Of coarse I didn’t mind too much because I wasn’t really fond of talking anyway. This boy named Justin was Mr. Popular through out the whole school. He asked me out and I denied him. He was such a pig. From that day on I was konwn as “Orangutan.” I guess he wasn’t to used to rejection. The whole school called me orangutan until I graduated. I didn’t really care. I only had one problem with a girl who was in my class, Gabriella. By far this was the youngest manipulative expert I’ve ever met and it didnt help that she was a teachers pet. She was the girl that made me realize what catty was. She loved drama and gossip and boy was she alwyas in the center of it. She always looked to get me in trouble. The thing that pissed me off about this girl was that she was tiny. I couldn’t understand why the girl didn’t realize I could break her in two. Naturally she got away with everything because she was the teachers pet. I had to pull her over to a corner one day and explain to her that if she wanted to keep her pretty little face intact she would need to stop messing with me. I would never want to meet that girls parents. They definitely raised her to be a man destroyer. I didn’t really have any friends so I just joined the basketball team. The only thing familiar to me. My Dad and I used to play basketball all the time. I started to make some friends on the team. They were my only friends. Kellie was in middle school at the time and I was graduationg from elementary. I was excited for middle school. It was a big and new. Sadly Kellie ruined it for me. She already had drama with the whole 6th grade so by the time I got there I was everyones number one target by affiliation. Apparently Kellie went around telling everyone, “Wait until my sister comes into this school you’ll be sorry.” I’m three times Kellies size but I would never stand in the way of a ass beating she deserved. Kellie knew how to handle her own though and it really didnt sit well with the girls. My whole quiet in the corner feel ended abruptly in middle school. I had girls coming up to mee left and right always talking about “you sister this and your sister that.” I just wanted to be left alone. In my sixth grade I was the class clown. I met a boy named Ronnie and he was hilarious. One morning I came into school and a girl approached me saying, “Are you Kellies sister? I heard you called me a bitch!” Of coarse I laughed a little and told the girl she was obviously mistaken but she insisted on making a big scene. I was always one to be honest and upfront. So I told the girl, “If I wanted to call you a bitch I would’ve said it to your face, bitch!” She must of have about twent people standing next to her who of coarse amped everything up with the classic, “oooooooooooo!” I turned around and proceeded to eat my breakfast. After the bell rang I started to head over to gym class. I’m sitting on the gym florr when twenty people come in with the girl. She starts to say, “If you want to fight we can fight.” The girl obviously had no real problem with me and just wanted to show off to her friends. I looked at her and then said, “Swing.” The girl put of her hair and tied her shoes. She started yelling, “YOU READY!?” I simply stuood there and looked at her with a smile. She jolted at me and I punched her square in the face. Her nose started to bleed and she ran out the gym. I got suspended and spanked by my parents because according to my mom its always my fault. That girl never bothered me again but proceeded to harass my sister. I always thought if I handle a situation quick and raw like my father it would go away and it usually did. I got into a lot of fights none of which I contributed to or started but I made sure I ended them and they usually were done after that. Eight grade was definitely when I started to figure myself out. What I liked and what I didn’t like. Who I wanted to be and how I was going to be that person. I fell in love witha boy I had hated in the Seventh grade. He was loud and crazy. His name was John. John and I pratically sat next to each other in every class. I was attracted to the fact that he was a leader. He spoke his mind and he wasn’t afraid to be himself. Me, John, and my best friend Anthony were insperable. There was a guys lunch table and a girls lunch table. All the girls in my class would be sitting on one side of the table whil I would be sitting at the other side of the table with all my guy friends. It wasn’t really allowed but they let it slide because my guy friends were well behaved. For a long time me and John never expressed our feelings for each other to each other but we were always together like whit on rice. One dya we were sitting in math class and I realized he was acting different. I said hello to him and asked him how he was doing and out of no where I recieved a slap to my face. I didn’t understand what was going on. I spazzed on him and left the classroom. I was furious and confused. Later on he had apologized to me. He said he couldnt explain it but he slapped me because he liked him. This is when guys started to become complicated to me. That is not how normal people act. I forgave him. He asked me out and I left him hanging for a week. I didn’t really know what I wanted so i waited to give myself time to think. We had been close friends for 8 months and I didn’t want to ruin anything. When I decided that I did want to be with him a week later I went to him to accept his offer. I then found out he started to dat another girl. I was sheart broken and didn’t speak with him for a while. He ccame and apologized to me but I wasn’t hearing a thing he was saying. I couldn’t understand how you can say that you love me so much and then just go with another girl in a week. He said he still loved me and of coarse I still loved him. We then graduated. He stayed with her but me and him always acted like a couple. Summer time came around and I decided to let him go. If he really wanted to be with me he would’ve left her I realized. I was wasting my time. I got into thie weird “emo” relationship with some guy in Jersey through a mutual friend. Boy was I feeling puberty. I got into a bad habit of being depressed all the time and my home situations weren’t helping at all. i began to really distant myself from people. I would never leave my room and I even began to cut myself. I wasn’t getting the attention and time I felt was needed from my parents. Yes my cry for attention was pathetic but it worked. I was already fighting with my mom about going back to public school but there’s no going over her head. I started high school in public school. I hated it. I was such a downer too. Everyone in my catholic high school were all ponies, princesses, and rainbows. I wanted to kill everyone. I would never wear their uniform and I used to skateboard down the school hallways. I had atleast forty two detentions. Then the abuse at home got so bad one time a counselor in my sisters school noticed it. One night at church my sister wanted to get popcorn. So she went to the lounge to get popcorn. My mother had a fit and made a big scene while picking us up from bible class. Kellie was scared and didn’t want to go home because we were always getting hit over the littlest things. My mom and I waited about an hour outside in the car while Kellie was having a panic attack inside hugging one of the teachers and crying non stop about how she was scared to go home. She finally got in the car and of coarse sat in the back. My mom drove down two blocks before she pulled the car over. Man did my mom want a piecce of her. It pissed me off because it was literally over a bag of popcorn. My mom ran around the care a few times while Kellie kept going from the fromt seat to the back. Finally my mom caught her and yanked her out. Beating her in the street and pushing her head into the concrete. Not long after that an ACS case was open. Kellie had bruises and scratches every where and then we were removed. At thirteen I was removed from my parents house. Me and Kellie went to go live with my sister Christina. She became out first foster mother. We then lived in Brooklyn. I don’t quite remember what kind of state I got into my sisters house in but it was made clear to me I was on suicide watch. Acs had figured out my cutting scares after a body check. I wasn’t allowed to be at home alone and I wasn’t allowed to sleep alone either. Christina was with me almost every second of the day she could be. My Christmas in her house she said I crawled up into a ball under the table and cried for a while. I never spoke in my sister house. I never spoke at all. They started sending me to therapy so that I could find a better way to handle my problems. What they didn’t know was I was a great communicater once upon a time. I just got tired of people ignoring me. Why talk if no one listens? Kellie and I actually started to hang out outside with people. We were never allowed to do it before. Excecpt Kellie and I started to hang out with the wrong crowd. My sister wouldn’t get out of work until 10pm at night and we couldn’t be in her house unless she was there. Kellie and I would hang out with all the alcoholics and drugs addicts in Union Square. I started to smokes ciggerettes. Then I started to drink. Then I started to smoke weed and then slowly after that followed cocaine. I was a addict. I got lost. My parents and I didn’t speak. We were only allowed to see them once a week at the foster care office and every we went to a meeting it was a fight. My dad never went to these meetings but my mom was always there and ready to start some drama. Kellie and I were by ourselves every day after school. Just hanging around Union Square. Kellie never got into drinking, smoking or drugs. She was more bent on the guys. Bent in sense you could tell she was missing a father figure. She starting messing around with alot of older men. I was dating a guy who allowed me to stay in his house. He was a year older then me and he wasn’t much of a talker himself. It was just him and his mother. He was a cool but but being inside all the time started to become depressing. He would always want to stay home and lay in bed in front of the tv. At first I loved it because I finally had somewhere I could be with food and a bathroom. I didn’t have to roam the streets all day until my sister got out. I never invited this guy into my personal life. He didn’t know anything that was going on. I didn’t want to lose a good thing. Oddly enough I started to hang around the music room in my high school all the time. No one really spoke to me at first cause they all basically called me the quiet one with the anger issues. I have severe violent episodes. I slowly started to communicate through music. I would just stay after school and play guitar with a bunch of other people. Then out of no where I was in a band. I met this guy Chris. He had a good head on his shoulders. He was kind and gentle. He always wanted to hear what was going on and tried the best he could to be there for me. I started to make more and more friends. We hung out every day. I slowly started to forget my cocooned boyfriend. I started to fall for Chris. He encouraged me and always told me things would get better. He bought me food every day. His mom would only give him $5 a day but he made sure I ate even if he didn’t. We would sit and talk for hours about things and it felt as though time didnt exist. I stopped doing cocaine. He told me I was much better then that. I started skipping classes because I was tired from traveling from Brooklyn to the Bronx on four hours of sleep. I would stay on the train sleeping or sleep in Burger King. Chris started walking me to my classes and made sure I made every class. He said it was the best for my future. He bought my school supplies and helped me with my homework. I started to lose whatever me and JB had. One day Chris and I were just walking and he expressed his feelings for me. I had felt the same towards him and didn’t know how to react. We kissed. I let go of JB and I feel horrible about the way I left but I couldn’t be a sex object anymore. Someone who just came over and had sex and then left. I felt like I actually had someone on my side with Chris for once. But then everything started to go down hill. Wasn’t long until Christina kicked Kellie out for being disrespectful. It was just me and Christina but us being there was taking a beating on her. So I got removed too. They put me in some facility downtown. We were told when to eat, when to sleep, when to watch tv, and when to shower. I hated it. I started to stop speaking to people again. I couldn’t speak to Chris. I felt abandoned by my sister and alone. They sent me to live with my cousin for a while. Chris was always there for me in any way he could be. I started going back to school and I was doing really well. Everything was almost perfect until my cousins wife started have problems with me. She wanted all the attention to herself. So I got removed from my cousin house. they sent me to live in the projects. The lady was nice. I called her Grandma. School started to become a issue again and this time I was farther. I stopped going to school completely. I started hanging out at union again and became a little distant from Chris. I was getting tired of being moved around. I was getting tired of feeling abandoned. Kellie decided to beg the foster care agency to go back home. She had ended up in shitty group homes, the psychward, and long island. She had gotten beat of in foster homes, threaten with weapons, and sexually abused. They sent Kellie home on a trial of six months to see how it worked out and of coarse because one daughter gets sent home the other one gets sent home too. I didn’t want to return home. I didn’t speak to my mom for a year. I didn’t want to get meantally or physically abused anymore but they sent me home anyways. My mom got an order of protection on my dad which didnt help at all. He slept in his car but still paid rent. Kellie and I got into an altercation. One day I was playing video games and I heard everyone screaming. Kellie doesn’t back down to anyone. It was so bad my mom actually let my dad upstairs. Jessie, Kellie, my dad and my mom were all yelling. It wasn’t until I heard a painful cry is when I got up. Kellie had grabbed a hold of my mothers hair and was ripping her hair out. I ran into the room and immediately started to punch Kellie in the face. She then let go of my mother. My dad was really angry about me doing that and started to yell at me. I know that once Kellie pulls your hair she doesnt let go so I attacked her. Kellie ran into the kitchen and grabbed a knife and tried to stab me. Wasn’t lone until the cops were at our door. The cops were always at our door. Everyone became calm but me and Kellie stopped speaking. A few days after Kellie tried to get me jumped in school by a few girls. It didn’t work out. My friends and my boyfriends friends made it clear no one was going to lay a finger on me. I can care less to pull the family card. Kellie proceeded to harass me in school. One day Kellie attempted to jump me again only this time she waited for Chris to go to work. She ccacme over with fifteen people and I snapped. I bashed her ribs in with a skateboard. I was tired of it already. I got arrested on the morning of my midterms and got left back because of it. I had to pay a fine, respect the order of protection and pay a fine. Didn’t last long until my mother and Kellie got into a physical altercation again. Kellie had had it with the abuse and decided to swing back. My mom then got a order of protection against her and Kellie went back to foster care. I was in the house trying to be as invisible as possible. I didn’t want drama. I started going to school again. I started to get my things together. My sister Jessie returned back to live with us. We were sharing a room. Jessie didnt really want to share a room with me. One day I came home and there was a lock on the door. I was angry and of coarse went to my fathers closet took out a hammer and broke the lock off. My mom didn’t bother getting involved nor did my dad. Jessie went into the room and locked the dorr knob lock and I had no where to sleep. So I went to a friends house. When I came back the my moms house the next day the lock the the house had been changed. I was so frustrated and I only wanted it all to stop. Kellie and my mom had a court date one morning and I don’t know why my mother decided to start with me that morning. I ignored her and decided to go to school instead of arguing back. She wouldn’t let me leave. So I went to the living room to call my dad to see if maybe he could come upstairs and get me. She started to yell for me to get off her phone. As soo as I saw an opportunity to run I took it but she grabbed me by my shirt and pulled me throw all the living room furniture. I snapped. I started to punch her and slam her unto the floor. I proceeded to slam her head unto the floor again and again. I kept screaming for her to let go of me but she wouldn’t. Jessie eventually heard the yelling and came out. She asked my mom nicely to let go of me but she wouldn’t. Jessie told me to stop swinging so I did. After a few seconds my mom called the cops screaming at the top off her long as if someone was killing her when no one was touching her and she still would’nt let go of me. My sister told her to hang up the phone and I started to lose my patience again. I started to slam her head into the floor again. I tired to get up and Jessie started to pull my arms and yelled at her to let go. I just lost it. I started to stomp her out until she finally let go. Jessie ran me to the bathroom and still had to lock me in there. My mom still was coming after me and wouldn’t stop. My mom then called the cops and had me arrested with a expired warrant she knew for a fact was expired. I told the cops it was expired but they took me in anyways. When we got to the court house they pulled up the file and saw that it was expired. My dad came in furious yelling at me about what had happened between me and my mother. She had went to the hospital because she was internally bleeding in the head. A order of protection was ordered against me again this time from my mother. I was homeless. I couldn’t go home. I went to see Chris and explain to him what had happened. We were around my school and my dad was looking for me. We were all in front of burger king when my dad drove up onto the side walk. I went to the car window and he told me to go home. I explained to him I couldn’t. that my mother had an order of protection against me and that I would get arrested. He wasn’t listening to me so I walked away. He got out the car yelling, “you want to make a fuckin scene cause I’ll make a fuckin scene.” I simply told him he wasn’t understanding me and that he was the only one making a scene. He cocked back his hand and smacked me in front of everyone. I pushed him back and was about to start swinging at him when all my friends jumped in a seperated us. Chris was furious and wanted a piece of my dad. It’s a good thing they never fought cause my dad would’ve demolished him. My dad got arrested and it really struck me hard to see my dad in the back of a police car. Wouldn’t be the first time he was in the back of one I just have never seen him in the back of one. I didn’t press charges against him even though the medic said he almost dislocated my jaw. The very next day I get arrested for my moms case. I had to pay another fine, go to anger management, and I was put on probation for a year. Chris was a blessing cause I don’t know anyone who would stay with me through al lthis drama. When I got released I went to my friends house. He let me stay there for a while. ACS couldn’t place me anywhere at the time so I was going from house to house. The cops were looking for me so I didn’t go to school. I would hang around with Chris or stay at a friends place. The cops finally found me and brought me downtown to a new facility. I wasn’t allowed to leave. None of us were. I stopped speaking again. I stopped eating. I stayed in bed all day long not doing a single thing. I had no contact to the outside workd except on the days we were allowed to have visitors. Which only family was allowed to visit. I was losing my mind. I ended up fighting with the girls every day. Alot of them were on meds. I beat a girl down with a pot and got sent to bellvue. It was literally every one for themselves in there. I had bum rushed past visitors to escape. You couldn’t just open the front door. It was controlled by a buzzer that opened it and closed it. I escaped alot and of coarse ran to see Chris. I always had to return before 72hrs because If i didn’t and the cops found me they would send me upstate. I finallt got released after 4 months and they sent me back home. They changedthe ordered protaction to a limited so that I can be in my mothers house. Didn’t last long until she started calling the cops to have me removed. My dad hated her for that. She manipulated us all with her stupid order of protections. After she threw me out I loved in with Chris. I loved his brothers and his mother. They were admirable and strong. They helped me get through alot. Eventually Chris and his family went on vacation and I couldn’t go because I was still on probation so they moved me to the South Bronx with a new foster mother. I didn’t talk to anyone in that foster home and I was never home. Chris has gotten a summer job and was giving me money to eat and travel. He always took care of me but he started to get addicted to weed. He would smoke al lthe time and it was starting to get ot me. One day out of the blue he came to me and said, “Carol I’m breaking up with you because I cheated on you and you deserve better.” I officially dropped out of hish school and started getting really heavy on the alcohol. the one person who had been there for me helping me and pulling me through betrayed me. It was the ultimate stab in the back. I later found out he was trying to get with the girl he cheated on me with and realized he really broke up with me to be with her. I was getting so bad I would be walking around in broad daylight drunk as hell. I happened to bump into Chris and the girl he cheated on me with. I spazzed out and the cops came. I was hurt and didn’t understand what was going on. I lost 20 pounds in two weeks. Me and Chris’ brother and his brothers girlfriend were all supposed to go out to the movies. Of coarse I was drunk and I went to meet up with them at Chris’ house. I never made it to the movies that night. I had passed out on the couch and woke up in his bedroom with no clothes on. I didn’t speak to him at all. I was disgusted. He apologized and for some odd reason i forgave him. He asked me if I could be his again and I like an idiot said yes. I missed my rock. My foundation. A month later he attempted to cheat on me with another girl. I dumped him. I was really sad and heart broken. I picked up cocaine and drinking really bad again. after a month of being apart we got together again. I could’ve trust him. I hated him. In a weird way we worked through it all. I began to open up again and we went on for another two years. I went back to high school and got my GED. After I got my GED I went to get my bartending license and right after that I began to bartend. Chris started to hurt me in different ways and I felt stuck. He started to lie and break up with me on a daily basis to smoke with his friends. He was slipping away. One night I got really drunk after Chris decided he wanted a break from the relationship I decided to have a one night stand out of being lonely. I ended up pregnant. I quit drugs for a month but decided to have an abortion. I was depressed for a month. I had met someone new. Someone different. Bono. Bono and I spoke alot while I was still with Chris. Chris started to hit me and things really started to get out of hand. I started hannging out with my friends more. I couldn’t be at home and I couldn’t be around Chris. I started spening my nights sleeping at Union Square. Hanging out in Mcdonalds or Best buy. Bono was a sweet guy. I would come over and we would cuddle and it just felt right. I didn’t ask him for anything and he didnt ask me fore anything. Finally Chris dumped me. I started saving up alot of money in hopes of getting my own place. Bono was a weird character because he would disappear on me so I started focusing on getting myself together but I didn’t let go of the cocaine and alcohol. I had attempted to kill myself again and Chris came to help me but I didn’t want him around. We stopped speaking. All i would do is drink work, and do drugs. Bono started to become that light at the end of the tunnel. I started to have very strong feelings for him. I finally told him how I felt and he rejected me nicely. He said he wanted to remain friends and I understood. I started to go out partying more and more. Bono and I started to talk more and more. I didn’t expect anything to come out of our friendship but the feelings were getting stronger and stronger. One night we had sex. I was smitten but I thought he was gonna disappear on me so I didn’t contact him for a week. He texted me to come over again. I came over and we cuddled. Not to long after that his facebook said he was in a relationship with another girl. I was heart broken. I stayed in bed for three days. Chris started to reach out to me again and said he wanted me back. I didn’t want anything to do with Chris. I was over being hurt and just went into myself. Bono contacted me after four days apologizing to me about the situation. It was kind of him to consider my feelings. He was a nice guy. We started talking again. One day I got so high and said fuck it I’m gonna send him alot of hearts. I ended up kililng his phone battery and he missed his interview. He was upset and I felt like crap. I ended up buying him a gift to make up for what I did. A Michael kors chain. It was $250 but I didn’t care. He was worth it. He ended up breaking up with his girl and we got together. He taought me so much. I quit ciggerettes, drugs and alcohol. I also learned hot to calm down. I quit my job for a month and we were definitely in our honeymoon phase. We would make love all day long and just stay in bed. It was as if the rest of the world didn’t exist. I was completely and utterly in love. He was perfect mind, body, and soul. I would stay at his house for days. Chris started to threaten me to leave NY if I didn’t get back with him. I told him no and he went to Florida. I guess he released what he had given up. I was on a totally new page now. I wanted to give Bono everything. I rearranged his room. Cleaned it. Got him new furniture. I only wanted him to have the best. I gave up my silence for him and started to try to connect with his family. His mother and sister were nice. I could really relate to his father. He hustled for the ones he loved. I could never get over Bonos passion for BJJ. It was so inspiring and I have never seen someone so motivated. We slowly started to come out of our honeymoon phase and I started to realize some things that were off. I started to realize that his family was treating him a little weird. Bono was not like them. Bono was the only one who was different. He was his own person. He was so caring sometimes too caring. I could see that he was starting to be taken advantage of. I didn’t like it. It made me uncomfortable. I finally introduced him to my parents and to my suprise they loved him and my mom doesnt really get along with anybody. Bono actually started helping me to get closer to my family. I started having family dinners. I wasnt used to family dinners because we never really had them. One day me and his sister got into a little petty back and forth thing and that’s when it all started to go down hill. Shortly after his mom followed and everything was just weird. I stayed of coarse even though I was uncomfortable as long as I had my Bono I was happy. Anxiety smacked me out of no where. I couldn’t do anything. I started going to the hospital alot and I was always sick which wasnt a norm for me. I was unhappy where I was but I didn’t care as long as I got to wake up to his face. I started helping him get jobs and we started to go out more often. I started to teach him how to speak up for himself and he did it so well. I started to get along with my mother more. He taught me patience and kindness. But it all didn’t last very long. I was coming to my wits end with being unhappy in his mothers house. I worked my ass off and got my own place. We moved in together and eveything was excited. I was beyond happy. I had gotten him a job with dogs and I returned to my old job. I finally had a place to call my own with the one person that I loved. After a month of moving in together he moved out and I couldnt understand why. He expressed that the traveling was killing him. I was hurt and then I got angry. I cried and screamed and even threatened to break his stuff. After a while I realized I can’t make someone stay with me so I let him go. He had expressed the way I act when I’m angry didn’t sit right with him either. I asked him for another chance but he wasn’t having it. He moved out. 3 hours later he expressed that he had made a mistake. I didn’t understand what he was doing or why. I felt disconnected and off. We hung out that night and he came home with me. He slept over and suddenly we were back to square one. He moved back in 3 days later and I started to work on my anger. I started to try this new thing where we would go out for dinner every week. Something new and fun. Everything was fine and dandy until Easter. The Easter day. I don’t even know what happened. It happened so fast. I was upset when I came home because he was getting tattooed, buying computers, and hats from a pc game character. I was busting my ass to save money and I wasn’t happy about the way he was spending his. I expressed to him how I felt and I could tell he didn’t like it very much. He told me he felt like he had no place to go. I would have never thrown him out. Ever. I just wanted him to get his priorities straight. When we woke up in the evening we were getting ready to go to dinner and my money went missing. I didn’t want to talk. I was upset. I really kind of didn’t know what to say because to me he was that guy. So I didn’t know how to react to the sitation. Didn’t know what to say. I didn’t speak to him cause I didn’t want to get into a fit of rage. I needed some time to cool down before we could sit and talk about things. He looked uncomfotable so I decided to go have dinner with me friend Samantha. When I came back home he was gone. I was in shock. I didn’t understand it. Over a bizarre argument. atleast in my head that’s how it went. It felt like something out of a movie. I called him and he expressed he was unhappy. I know his was unhappy about traveling, money, living in the Bronx and work. I just never thought he was unhappy with me. Three days before he left he was telling me how he wanted to be with me forever. So I didn’t understand. Now it’s back to being alone again. It’s definitely different then what I’m used to. I couldn’t even sleep in the bed for a week. So much empty space. I tried to contact him for closure but he doesnt seem to want to sympathize at all. I’m glad he moved back home. I’m just not happy about the way he did it. Now he seems like a different person all together. Cold and careless. So I’ve been working extra hard and keeping busy. Now Chris is telling me he wants to marry me and I just want to be left alone. He’s hard to trust people when they change so suddenly. Sometimes I get angry and say things I don’t mean. We’re all human and are subjected to mistakes. I just wish I could find someone who loves unconditionally. Every day in every way I have room to improve. I’m getting stronger and wiser. I just wish I wasn’t doing it alone.