Am I The Real Me?

At some point I slid out of a vagina and was born.

At some point my biological father was accused of sexually abusing me and my two brothers.

At some point my mother remarried.

At some point my mother and step father starting doing cocaine.

At some point they threw me into home sschooling and stopped paying for it.

At some point I feel into that lifestyle of stagnancy.

I didn’t progress.

I “lived” in their basement. My time was spent online, playing MMORPGs, being my true self hidden behind a computer.

I couldn’t do that in ‘real life.’ I couldn’t be myself.

I’m afraid of judgement, I want to please everyone.

 

I have one real friend that I met in middle school before I was pulled out. She’s a fucked up as I am.

 

The rest of my friends started life in my computer.

 

I was 13 when I got online. Old school AOL. I met a boy in an MMORPG.  He was my online boyfriend for quite a few years. I couldn’t wear makeup. Or skirts. I wisened up, but probably too late.

After him I dyed my hair black and pierced by eyebrow.

I met another boy around 15. Online again. Normal. Amazing – normal is,I mean.

 

I’m engaged to that boy now, but that took years.

 

Years of us being either afraid of each other out being in relationships.

I’ll leave our the bad decisions I didn’t llove, but I’ll note they were online as well.

But the one I did. They one before NORMAL.

He was anything but.  Online again. But he didn’t care what anyone thought. He was sweet, an asshole, a gentleman, property and disgusting, depending upon the situation and mood. He was real.

I was real with him.

Until I found out he was ten years older than he told me and had awife and children.

Oops. I was already in love. Years had passed. We’d been friends, we’d been separated, then we find each other and revealed our feelings. Storybook shit.

Or juat shit.

I love him. It ended. He was an experience between me and NORMAL.

Now I’m with NORMAL. About to marry NORMAL. Talking babies with NORMAL. But now I’m drink and I miss WEIRD.

 

I miss being free to be me behind the computer screen. NORMAL has made me face the reality of life.  I wasn’t too hide and be WEIRD again. When I felt like I was me.

When I felt like I was REAL.

 

But I know it’s not healthy. It’s not a sustainable way of life.

 

But…

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