Complicated Relationships

I’m a 24 year old married female. I have been married for four years. I married a man I had been dating for a year and a half.. who happens to be my second real boyfriend. I married him 6 weeks after my step father passed away. My real father died before I was even a year old, so I never got to build a relationship with him, or even get to know him. My step father was a drug addict and ended up getting my mother strung out as well. I finally got to start a relationship with my step father when I graduated in 2008. In 2009 he was diagnosed with cancer and died April 17, 2010. May 29, 2010 I married my husband. I felt like every person I tried to have in my life was ripped away from me. In 2008 my best friend died in a car accident.. I honestly didn’t think I was meant to have anyone. But I did have my boyfriend. His parents were seperated and were also drug addicts. As we began going to a church together, the church told me that I would go to hell if I let him live with us and didn’t marry him. Needless to say, I didn’t have the heart to kick him out and make him homeless-since he obviously didn’t have a stable family to go back to. So terrified of going to hell, I got married. At the time, I loved him and couldn’t bear to allow him to be tossed into a world he wasn’t prepared for. When I married him, he didn’t have a job. He was getting unemployment benefits and my mom was paying the bills while I was going to college. After I completed my courses, I began working. It just wasn’t fair to work fulltime and come home to a man that wasn’t working or helping keep the house cleaned. And he sure wasn’t contributing to bills. Regardless, I stayed. I dealt with it all and just blew off the steam. Our real issues began mid-year 2012, and has continued since. In April of 2012 I found out that I was pregnant. This is when I noticed that our relationship was realy suffering. Finding out I was pregnant was the best news I could ever hear. Oh, having my own family was my dream. So all alone, I went to the doctor and I found out that I was a few weeks pregnant. My husband was still unemployed and couldn’t even go into the appointment with me, he stayed in the car. I was so excited though! He wasn’t as ecstatic, but seemed to be okay with the idea. May 17, 2012 I found out I had miscarried. The one single thing that I wanted more than anything else in the world, and it was stripped away after I found out it was mine. Again, just taken away from me! Oh, I was so angry! SO DAMN ANGRY! But I felt like I had lost the reason for my existence. I felt that my heart died with my baby. I continued to work and do everything I woud regularly, but I was changed. All of my love died. I didn’t want to live, I didn’t want my hisband pr my mother around me, I was just lost and hopeless. In June, 2012, my husband finally started working. I was still angry and upset. But now, I began to feel even more rejected. I felt ignored and neglected by my husband. He never tried to comfort me, never tried to make me laugh or feel better. He would always be stuck into a video game or computer. That is the opposite of what I felt a husband should do, so it was over for me. I began to talk and meet new people. When I felt that there was someone who wanted to talk to me and spend time with me, I told my husband. I told him how I felt, and that I was no longer interested in being married. I also told him that there was someone else and I wanted to seperate. I made my husband pack his things and leave. Long story short, he didn’t leave me alone. He would call me crying, call my job, all kinds of craziness. And I felt sorry for him, so I took him back. I cut ties with the other guy andwas going to try to work things out with my husband. Well I have slept woth another man since then, and ny husband slept woth my brother’s fiancee. Things are starting to feel like they did once before. There’s not much communication or sexual attraction anymore. We barely speak. He on l y comes home to sleep.. and I am getting tired of being left alone. I married because I wanted a companion.. not to be left by myself. I can’t help how I feel. But to be honest, I am not sure that I love him anymore. I feel like we have a lot of baggage… but I also feel like I shouldn’t be the only person trying to make it work. He doesn’t even have dinner with me. If I want to do anything, it is an argument for a week! I just want to be loved and wanted. I want to be shown that someone cares for me. Is this so wrong?

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