I can’t sleep again. I think I’m going to let you read my journal. I just went through and reread all of them, and wow I really sound like a psycho person in some of them. Oh well, it’s not like I can tell my boyfriend about these feelings soo….I don’t know, craziness is warranted? Probably not, but this is me. Some of it may hurt your feelings, and I am truly sorry for that, but I think I need to show you. Maybe you will think I am a lunatic and never talk to me again….maybe something else, but I don’t know, lol.
I miss you being in my life.
But I’m going to have to continue to miss it forever.
When we talk next I’m going to tell you that I don’t think I can have you in my life…. It’s not healthy for either of us. 🙁
I tried to tell my boyfriend tonight at dinner that I don’t think we should get married until we are out of school, because that was the plan originally.
He then asked me ‘even engaged?….or just married?’
I lied and told him both because I ‘dont want a long engagement’
But the truth is I have been thinking about you and my heart has been so heavy because of it, thinking about ways of us coming together …..
I looked up and my boyfriends eyes were filled with tears…. He got up and went outside….
He eventually came back…. My heart has never felt more heavy then when I looked at the sadness on his face tonight.
I told him I was just scared and overwhelmed because I didn’t think everything was going to happen as soon as he wanted. And that I would think about it…. I already told him I changed my mind about the whole talk…..
I can’t do it to him… I can’t break his heart because I do love him…. And he needs Me…..I’m needed….
I’m going to marry him, Scottie…..
Your son needs a mom and a dad…. Fall madly in love with her…. Marry her…..
I can’t break his heart.
I will find my Happiness and fall back in love with him through his love for me…. Somehow I will.
Maybe not you so much anymore because I don’t know If you are crazy like me, but I have to give up this crazy dream of you and I being together, ever. It’s unrealistic and it only creates destruction in it’s path.
Good night. <\3