Ok, this is my first post. I’m gonna start very disoriented, but with time, I think, my thoughts will become more organized.
It may be hard to believe from my initial posts, but, I do have a bit of a knack for writing. I’ve been told I have a facility with words. Fancy, I know.
Anyway, the real reason I find myself here, is, well, I’m a little down. I find some comfort in this public, yet “anonymous” journal. I don’t expect anyone to be moved to great things, I don’t expect anyone to feel bad, or sorry for me. I’m just trying to get my feelings out.
I lead a rather average life, I’m a middle-class, 30 something Chicana, I’m employed full-time, I have a cozy apartment, a Fiance who makes me laugh like no other, a pretty little SUV, and a dream in my head I can’t seem to bring to fruition. I have no kids yet, it’s not a selfish choice not to have them, but, rather, a selfless one. I don’t feel I can give my children the life I want them to have. But, at the same time, I feel like it’s what I’m missing most in my life. Yes, I love my future husband, myself (most days), and am content with my job, but I can’t help but feel like I need something more to live for.
I want to feel truly needed. I know alot of people might look at me and think I’m probably a bitch. I am. But if I feel you’re being wronged I will be your biggest ally. I want babies, two of them at least! I want to know I created something, what bigger accomplishment than creating life and being the reason it blossoms.
My issue: I’m not completely sure I can have any. That’s what truly saddens me. I might be worrying for nothing but I’ve gone 30 some years without an incident. Majority was me being careful, but there was a time in my life that I kinda tried. In the end, I’m glad I never did have any children with him. He was, and is a horrible person. That’s not to say he may not be the perfect gentleman for the right girl. I just wasn’t that girl. It’s a shame for him, I could have been everything and more, had he only wanted it.
Someone once told me, ” You are mature for your age and wise beyond your years.” I was only about 15-16 yrs. old at that time. I have only, in recent years, realized I am an old soul. I have an affinity for 50s-60s clothes and culture, I love the 80s, and I’ve always been a prude! Lol or just a true blue lady. Either way, I guess that’s why I always feel like life passed me by. In my soul I am already past middle age, lol. It’s laughable, I know, but there has to be some truth to it. I have seriously looked into doing a past life regression session. I’m very open minded.
Anyway, I don’t know what else to really say, I don’t know how this all works. I didn’t take the time to read the FAQ’s. So I might be back, I might not. Either way, it’s out there and out of me. Maybe I can get some sleep now.