Concerned

I have the feeling that I need to be writing in this journal. I honestly don’t know why, but I guess it makes me feel calmer and less worried what I did wrong.  This past weekend I spent it at my grandparents’ house and I had an okay time. On Friday when I got there I went out walking, of course, like I always do and I ended seeing him. He is not the bad person, but my heart has been broken for three years now. I have not stop thinking about him. Although, I have had a few crushes here and there, but I have forgotten about them. I know the quote by Johnny Depp, “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you really loved the first, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.” The thing that I don’t agree with this quote because this guy is the first one, but the others were the second and I moved on from them. The only one that I have not moved on from is the first. I don’t know  why. Four years ago this summer I met the first guy. I don’t call him by his name because I, myself, don’t know his name.   Since I have met him and until now I still don’t know his name. But what I do know is that I can’t get him out of my head. I started to forget him, but whenever I see him I fall from the wall I built up. I know it’s not easy to believe considering that when I first met him I was only 12 years old and fours years later I’m 16 years old now and also the other point that I think he is 5-10 years older than me. It seems hard to grasp the concept, but if you were just there to see what he did to me (nothing bad or harmful), but he made me fall for him. And this past three days that I spent at my aunts’ house was one of the best and worst one ever. On Friday night I thought I had saw him from a far distance because for some reason I know how the way he walks, but then I thought it couldn’t be him because that person had a dog with them. And I knew that he never had a dog, his friends did, but it turned out I was right the first time because it was him. He went with his friends and when I was walking past them the dog was coming towards me. I was about to pet it, but then he pulled the leash and made the dog stop and go back. I think it was because maybe the dog bites or that they thought that I don’t like dogs. It didn’t matter if the dog bites because I have gone through worse and dogs love me not to sound full if myself, but yeah… And the second if they thought that I don’t like dogs well then that’s just a dumb thought because they have seen me with a huge dog that the guy had jokily asked me if the dog was a horse or a dog and I had walked before a small dog too. Anyways, he stared at e and I held my gaze. I miss when he stared at me for no reason and that I always caught him. To be honest I am not the most attractive girl that people see; I am fat and short and there are other girls who are the same, but they are prettier than me. When Sunday came I was walking and I saw him, but I kept walking and when I went back and found that he had gone inside his house. I was disappointed to the point where I was crying. And I still keep asking what did I do to make him hate me? Why didn’t I just talk to him or respond when he talked to me? Just why or what happened? And I still to this very day keep crying to myself. I blame myself because it was my fault he tried talking to me and everything, but I never did anything, all I ever did was just be stand quiet or walk away. I miss him so much.

 

XOXO lizquiet

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