You probably expected me to post this.

You expected me to post this, but you’re regretting that I’m bringing it up. It’s uncomfortable for you to listen to my thoughts and emotions because you don’t understand. But it’s more uncomfortable for me to not share what’s always on my mind.

I remember every minute of the 81 hours and I will never forget. I know how I compiled three days of sleep deprivation, but my eyes were so dry I could barely close them. I could barely eat without feeling sick. I knew both of my sisters were hurting just the same. The most vivid memory is of my sister, Rachael, by my mom’s side, declaring no pulse. Then my screaming. I couldn’t cry because my emotions couldn’t react fast enough. So I screamed at the very top of my lungs. I screamed help. I screamed for God. I remember feeling so immensely helpless. Helpless waiting for EMS. Helpless while they worked so cautiously to restore what would never come back. And helpless during the following 80 hours spent at Via Christi hospital. I didn’t know what to do, who to talk to, how to handle what was being thrown at my family. I felt alone. The only person who never failed to tell me “I love you” every day. She supported me in everything I did. She was my personal cheerleader when I was cheering, attending every game. She was my comforter after a hard volleyball tournament. And she was being taken away from us faster than any doctor could control. And we were completely helpless.

These past three days have been extremely internally painful. All I can think about is the nightmare I was living in a year ago today. Whenever I think about it, I just feel guilt. I feel lonely. I know a hole was drilled in my heart that no one will replace, but I try to fill it anyway. I never got to say I love you even though just two hours before 3:30 am, I had thought to do so. And I will always think of ways I should have been a better daughter to my mother. Life goes on and although there hasn’t been and there won’t be a day where everything just magically gets easier, there are ups and downs.

Today, I still have very slight moments where I want to tell my mom something funny or something I learned in class or maybe some new gossip about people she’s never even met. This was especially hard during sorority recruitment week. Later, I feel like she somehow knows. I can’t help but think she knows where I am and what I’ve been doing. How even though I wasn’t a cheerleader for Kstate, I was pursuing my dream to be a sports anchor and on the field anyway. I know my mom would be so proud of me today. She’d be proud of me for going to Kstate and doing well in my classes. I know that she is still here, cheering me on, somewhere in heaven.

I miss you mommy, so much. Heaven gained a beautiful angel June 9th, 2013.

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