Damaged beyond repair.

No matter which direction I try to go in life I find myself in the same spot. Lonely, depressed, disappointed in myself for either choices I’ve made in the past that helped put me where I am not or for choices I’m not making to better my life that I should be making. Everyone I know thinks that I am a very happy person when in reality its all just a mask to keep people from trying to pry into my feelings and thoughts when they only think that they are helping. Its not necessarily that I don’t like talking about my more negative feelings, its just that after digging so deep people don’t like to hear the actual truth of those negative feelings, they just get mad at you or think that you should be in a padded room with a straight jacket. There has never been one person in my life that understands the pain I hide away until I’m alone. All I have ever been searching for is someone who will welcome my demons and help me overcome them. Not cower in fear and run away at the first sight. Sure, my disease will get the best of me sometimes and those demons will come out but what most don’t see is I black out at those points and whatever I say or do, I most likely will not remember it at all. Living my life, dealing with this disease, has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It effects me every day. I hate it when people tell me to just “get over it” when in reality, you CAN NOT just “get over it”. This disease will haunt me for the rest of my life. Sleeping used to be my only escape until I turned 13 and my disease got worse. Almost every single night when I sleep, all I have are nightmares. Not your average nightmares either, the kind of nightmares where I get brutally beaten by 6 guys with baseball bats, feeling every blow as if it were real, until I die. I would think that I woke up but it turns out that I woke back up in the nightmare, starting from the beginning and that happens about 5 times before I actually wake up. Also the kind of nightmares where I’m being murdered like an R rated horror movie x3, or being attacked and raped. I never know what to expect when I go to sleep anymore. No matter who I talk to about anything I deal with no one ever understands.

 

*sigh*

 

Im just so lost on so many things. My life is alright but the life inside my head is the biggest mess I will ever see.

3 thoughts on “Damaged beyond repair.”

  1. you’re right. alot of people don’t understand what you’re going through and i have to admit honestly neither do I..

    I had a nightmare one night, me and my 10 month old son were in a horrific car accident. i was killed (burned alive when the car caught fire) he was badly burned all over his body but was still alive. he was taken to a hospital and the drs and nurses (the people who were supposed to help him) delibertly torchured him over and over again and laughed while they done it.. first they put him on a gurney made of sand paper and dragged him back and forth across it by the arms and legs. They were playing a game of tug-of-war.. they sprayed his burns with a high pressure fire hose (the kind that come on the fire trucks). then they stabbed him hundreds of times with needles.. i was a ghost or a spirit and no matter how loud I screamed or how hard i hit or kicked or threw things.. no matter what i did I was powerless to stop any of it.. then they decided that he was worth “saving” and they left him there to die. i watched the life leave his eyes…. I woke up kicking and screaming.. I got my baby boy out of his crib and sat there at 3AM rocking him back and forth and crying uncontallably for hours.. it all seemed so real so vivid. i’ll never forget the sound of him screaming in agony and the image of his eyes when he died is engraved in my head.. the next night i was terrified to go to sleep.. scared of what would happen inside my own head…

    Im guessing thats what your nightmares are like but much much worst because they dont happen only one time.. they keep happening.. people probably tell you theyre just dreams and dont let them get to you but thats easy for them to say because theyre not the one experiencing them.. they say “get over it” don’t they realize if it was POSSIBLE for you to “just get over it” you would have done it already.. i cant imagine how you feel or the pian you have to indure..

    However i do understand feeling like you have nobody, I understand what it feels like to have so called friends turn their back because youre dealing with battles theyre afraid of, i understand what its like to constantly have people trying to “fix” you instead of just being there and accepting you for who you are the good and the bad..

    So NO i don’t understand your condition (i dont like the word desease, youre not the fucking walking plague)but i do understand that just because youre “damaged beyond repair” or more difficult it doesnt mean your worth less

  2. The reason that I feel worthless is because even though I have close family with the same mental problem I have, they dont understand it either. Mine is alot worse than theirs and I have different/ more severe issues with it than they do. They just want to put me in the mental hospital until the “doctors” think I’m fixed because they have put me on so many ridiculous medications to the point of my emotions not even existing. My family just treats me as a burden to them and my “friends” are always only temporary. Guys I date end up thinking that I’m just psycho and run off. It is a constant problem that no matter who I talk to cannot be helped. You’re nightmare sounds like you have your son and subconsciously you are afraid of losing him and are afraid of anything happening to him. To me, that is normal.

    But I do thank you for trying to understand. I don’t expect anyone to understand what I go through anymore because I have learned that no one ever will. I just hope that one day I might find someone who will. Instead of talking about my problems I have just created a hallway of locked doors inside my mind, where I have locked all of my unsolved problems away, never to be thought about again. It works until the nightmares find away to open those doors.

  3. It has been my expierience that locking anything away will eventually find a way to get out. It would be better if you could find a way to cope with your issues then they wouldn’t be so horrifying. But that’s got to be hard to try to accomplish alone.

    Its hard for me to see why so many people would turn away from you. Youre just you and everybody has some sort of demon they are batteling

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