No matter which direction I try to go in life I find myself in the same spot. Lonely, depressed, disappointed in myself for either choices I’ve made in the past that helped put me where I am not or for choices I’m not making to better my life that I should be making. Everyone I know thinks that I am a very happy person when in reality its all just a mask to keep people from trying to pry into my feelings and thoughts when they only think that they are helping. Its not necessarily that I don’t like talking about my more negative feelings, its just that after digging so deep people don’t like to hear the actual truth of those negative feelings, they just get mad at you or think that you should be in a padded room with a straight jacket. There has never been one person in my life that understands the pain I hide away until I’m alone. All I have ever been searching for is someone who will welcome my demons and help me overcome them. Not cower in fear and run away at the first sight. Sure, my disease will get the best of me sometimes and those demons will come out but what most don’t see is I black out at those points and whatever I say or do, I most likely will not remember it at all. Living my life, dealing with this disease, has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It effects me every day. I hate it when people tell me to just “get over it” when in reality, you CAN NOT just “get over it”. This disease will haunt me for the rest of my life. Sleeping used to be my only escape until I turned 13 and my disease got worse. Almost every single night when I sleep, all I have are nightmares. Not your average nightmares either, the kind of nightmares where I get brutally beaten by 6 guys with baseball bats, feeling every blow as if it were real, until I die. I would think that I woke up but it turns out that I woke back up in the nightmare, starting from the beginning and that happens about 5 times before I actually wake up. Also the kind of nightmares where I’m being murdered like an R rated horror movie x3, or being attacked and raped. I never know what to expect when I go to sleep anymore. No matter who I talk to about anything I deal with no one ever understands.
Im just so lost on so many things. My life is alright but the life inside my head is the biggest mess I will ever see.