a lifetime of mistakes..

I’ve always struggled with my relationship with my father. At a young age he left my mother, I was maybe 13, my brother 10. My parents were separated when I was 10 but still living in the same town.at 13 he up and moved to Montana.

Instead of cutting ties and not speaking to my father I would speak to him on the phone a few times a week. I never went and visited , he was living with another family.

He visited  maybe 6-7 times over the last 18 years.i never felt the father son connection. By staying in touch I think it made it way worse. Maybe I was hoping he would move back someday or make an effort. A few years back my father came down with alzheimers.

 

I find myself beating myself up over having not gone to visit him ever. But then I also find myself telling myself that it was his choice to NOT be in my life and raise me and my brother.

 

Im sick of beating myself up over this shit. I am sad that he is ill, I wouldn’t wish alzheimers on anyone. My mom used to take me to visit my grandmother who had alzheimers, I was maybe 7-9 years old, it traumatized me really bad.from then on I was.severely afraid of hospitals, ,growing old, dying, getting ill etc.

 

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