silence

Where do you go when you want to talk, but you have no one to talk TO?

I feel very alone. You’d think I was a 18 year old girl, talking like that. But I’m a 40 year old mother of 3, stepmother of 2, wife and employee. I am constantly surrounded by people, but I can’t confide in any of them — least of all my husband.

I think my marriage is on the rocks. We have only been married 2 years (next weekend) and yet there doesn’t seem to be anything LEFT of our relationship from before we married. He doesn’t like my children, I’m having a very VERY hard time getting along with HIS daughters. He stays because he needs someone to be home with his girls, to drive them to school and pick them up, while he travels for work. He stays because we have a baby together.

We haven’t had sex in almost 2 months. He hasn’t shown any interest in me or my body, in being intimate or even having a fucking conversation in MONTHS. when he’s not traveling for work he is out playing baseball with coworkers, or he’s playing hockey, or he’s on his PS3 or iPhone or PC playing a video game. He controls the TV — we only watch what he wants to watch and if I want to watch anything, be it tv or movie, I have to watch alone on netflix when he’s gone.

But its the lack of sex that bothers me the most.

I could live with a loveless marriage, but i have an infinitely harder time accepting a SEXLESS one.

I feel UGLY. I feel USED. I feel UNWANTED. I feel UNWELCOME (in MY home, that I own). I feel UNDESIRABLE. I feel OLD. I feel UNNEEDED.

I feel depressed. I feel anxious. I feel lonely. I feel like i have nothing left to live for — my children don’t want to be with me, his children treat me like the nanny, HE treats me like I’m invisible. My marriage is a sham. My career is going nowhere. My job has hit a dead end with no possibility for any sort of growth or mobility…

I’ve failed as a mother.

I’ve failed as a wife — TWICE.

I’ve failed in my career, in my education, in my job…

And I have no one I can talk to who might understand… who might CARE…

One thought on “silence”

  1. Hey are u getting married too fast? I’m separated from my husband after 1 year and 1 month. I used to feel like u when I was with him. I used to sit up and cry cuz I was so miserable and we had only dated a year when we got married. If I would’ve taken my time I probably wouldn’t have married him. A month after my anniversary after him yelling and cussing me out over some chicken I decided to leave and haven’t been back since. I prayed that god would help me move on get over him and help me be content with being by myself and I’m at peace now.

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