These things that I focus all my energy on, the things that I can not change right now, are the things I need to let go. For now. I can not change that my husband is unemployed. I can not change that I’m working 7 days a week. I can not change that my kids are forgetting me. I can not change that didn’t know we were out of milk, because I’m never home, or that my husband is doing all the things that I should be doing. And a million other things. This is only temporary. I have the power to change the most important thing. How I feel. How I act. Me.
It seems so silly, that I’m taking steps to change my diet and lifestyle to accomplish just this. I have no idea if it will work, if it will be worth it. I know this though, at least I’m doing something.
Day 3 of no alcohol. Only positive thing so far is that I’m sleeping so very much better. It’s nice to wake up 5 minutes before the alarm goes off, ready to go. I haven’t had any tylenol/ibuprofen in 3 days.
I get anxiety when I’m home. The one hour I get with the family isn’t as easy as I would like it to be. I just want to get lost in the bottle. Forget I’m a disappointment to them, that I have let them down. That I can’t do this.
I’ll keep trying only because I read somewhere, heard someone say “Time heals… it gets easier”. I’m putting all I have in that.
I have no idea how to handle tomorrow. I’m scared of tonight. I just don’t want to fucking fail.