Alive but dead………

My thoughts seem to become wore and worse as days go by. I feel like im drowning, Im drowning without water. The cuts have gotten deeper, my sanity is gone, my weight has increased. I am so incredibly stressed. My life is falling apart. My mom almost died twice within 4 month time span. I have been bouncing from house to house. this is my 7th home in the past 6 months. Children services have made my life hell. Instead of getting to be a normal teen and get a job and get my driving permit, im not allowed, they have temporary custody so getting a job and my permit would be a problem. Im not allowed to do anything. My case worker told me not to sleep all day. So i asked if i could go out and do something and her response was “no not unless you have someone over 18 with you and they have to be fingerprinted and have a background check ran on them” kind of ridiculous i think. Ive gained so much weight from sitting around the house i am now 332 pounds, ive gained 32 pounds so quickly…. Now i have no clue how to lose it, so i continue to eat. Thats all i have, is food and netflix…….The house i am at now has roaches…. it grosses me out even when i take a shower i still feel dirty. It also has no A/C and its in the 80 to 90 degree weather. so i am constantly hot and sweaty and sticky, its so gross. Theres not alot of food here so i have lost a few pounds from not eating so much. i was 337. so ive lost about 5 pounds.

I feel like there is no upside anymore. i feel like laying down and dying. I am so close to giving up. they tell you to stick it out, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel…. Well guess what? That light….. is a train.

One thought on “Alive but dead………”

  1. Your journal entry saddens me. I feel so awful that you are going through what you are. No one deserves to live life not to its fullest. Life is what you make of it unfortunately. If I could recommend a Netflix documentary- It is called ‘Happy’. I know that sometimes people do not want a solution, they just want to be heard. I hear you and I am definitely praying for you. I want your situation to be better for you.
    Good luck!

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