Dear J,

-Warning, I tend to swear quite a bit. My apologies.-

Dear J,

Guess what, you worthless piece of crap? I still think about you. And I still miss you. And I still wish you never did that to me. Because then we wouldn’t be where we’re at now. Are you fucking happy? Does it bring joy to you knowing that you were one of very few to bring me down on my knees? To make me feel?  That’s no easy thing for someone to do to me, ESPECIALLY IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS. Sure, I have crushes. I admire people and find them attractive. But I sure as hell don’t get ATTACHED and fall head over heels for them. But obviously you have proven me wrong. And I fucking hate you for it.

What have I done to deserve such a thing from you? I did my best to be everything you would have wanted in this part of your life. I made you feel like you were worth something when your parents didn’t. I opened my heart to you. I gave you my virginity. I contemplated changing my future plans and life, for you. But most of all, it was you out of all people that I decided I should give these things to. It was you I thought constantly about. It was you I always smiled about. It was you I felt so deeply about. It was you I was so happy with.

There are no words that can describe what I was feeling when I found those messages and pictures. Actually, perhaps the words devastation, dread, torment, and regret can sum it up. They don’t sum it up completely, but those are the only ones.

How dare you do such a thing to me. TO ME. I did nothing but stay by you and put up with your stupid fucking bull shit. I supported you and held you when you were sad. I stared into your eyes while I confessed my feelings for you while you stared into mine and confessed yours too. But they were lies, weren’t they? Then you have the audacity to lie about it. You idiot.

Why did it have to be me? I was so happy with my new life…And now you’ve just given me memories and feelings (both lovely and horrid) that I will never be able to erase. God knows I want them gone. I want you deleted from my mind, my life, my past and my present.

Why do I have to feel. Of all the times my feelings could decide to work, they chose now. I would have been so much happier liking you from a distance. I could have been so much happier if you never would have talked to me. I would have been so much happier now if you would have never been in my life.

-X

 

 

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