Dear… J

Dear… J,

There’s not much I really have left to say about you. We were very fleeting and intense at times and it was sweet and cute but wrong, completely wrong at the same time. And I did you wrong. This is my apology letter…

It was the time when I worked in a Record Store. Things were great,  I was still young, I didn’t really want a boyfriend or anything aside from my friends and my own life back (I was still recovering from R)… when you walked in. I remember seeing you walk towards me out of the corner of my eye. And when you asked me about a CD I can just remember thinking: Holy. Shit. This. Guy.

You had on skate trainers, baggy jeans and a baggy check shirt with your brown hair all over the place and your smile and I was done. You had me. Especially when you came up to me and said bye before leaving. That night I didn’t hear my music on the bus home, couldn’t actually remember how I’d gotten home. All I remember is thinking about you, thinking about how I had to get to know you, you had to be a part of my life somehow…. I was still a young woman, okay?!

I still remember everything you ever asked me for when we would talk in the Store and you visits would be more frequent (much to my excitement). I would get in to trouble at work for talking to you but I didn’t care. It was worth it at the time. We had a pretty cool friendship going on.

One day I plucked up the courage to ask you out. Your demeanour changed to unsure and you were so hesitant, I should have just given up. Looking back, it was a definite sign. But no, I finally got you to agree to a date which I can’t even remember anymore. I just remember us being an unmitigated disaster in the months that flew by until disaster struck.

I’ll be honest J, I can’t remember anything about us apart from the sex which wasn’t even that great and the oral that made up for the sex. Being with you wasn’t the rainbows and fucking sunflowers I’d made in my head. It was pretty shitty and it was wearing off pretty quick… Shit happened in your life that neither of us could really deal with, our true colours both showed and it, in my opinion, had ended before it even really started. We didn’t like each other, it was just convenience. Someone to spoon with whilst watching The Crow or something.

SF came in to my life, and it was then I realized that me and you we’re meant to be “me and you” and it was time to face the inevitable and let it go. So I did. In the worst way possible that I promised myself I’d never do to any Boyfriend ever again… I cheated on you.

You had your suspicions but SF had a girlfriend (which was always my defense when talking to you about him) but that, much to my shame, didn’t stop me or him. After about 2 weeks of not contacting you, I finally did what should have been done a long time ago. I called you and told you it was over. You told me you weren’t that bothered, blah blah it was over thank fuck.

I’m really sorry I did that to you J, you were a really nice, gentle caring person who didn’t deserve that. I was just a bitch and we should have just remained friends. I haven’t seen you since, but I hope you are well and have the happiness you deserve. Never lose that smile.


BFetisha x

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