Dear… R

Dear… R,

I was a sucker. For anything. For anyone. I think the sucker in you saw that, and went in for the kill. To this day, I look at myself and I cannot believe it happened, with you of all people I could have fucked. It just went to show how much value I put on myself at the time. I thought you were the best I could do, the best I could hope for.

When you asked me out I said yes because I didn’t know what else to say or do, with all eyes on us like the sad, self-hating, unsure loser that I was and you still are. Cue an awkward date night and chaos ensued. For just over a year. 12 long months…

There was something about you, something rotten and ugly that I didn’t buy and couldn’t ignore. You lied so much so that you actually thought your own deceit was the truth. We both know N didn’t do what you said he did. We both know you were still  in love with B, and that would give me the best excuse to get out of the train wreck that was our “relationship”. I should have stolen the (rather explicit) book you and her wrote in and probably excessively self-abused over… and given it to her Husband. That was probably the greatest pleasure you would have given me! Regrets, regrets… I digress, when you told me you had been seeing B behind my back, I felt 2 things; stupid and relieved. Stupid that I thought you were more of a man and relieved that I was out of your batshit crazy life/bullshit. You did me the biggest solid there R. You made me realize I was worth so much more and that I would move on and evolve where as you… you would forever be stuck in the same pathetic loop that was your existence.

From what I know, you still are, but you’ve just throw a baby in to the mix. I always knew you would have a family, I just hoped you wouldn’t so they wouldn’t end up as fucked as you. This has taken over 10 years to express… and it feels sad. I don’t feel angry anymore that you were such a pointless endeavour in my life… just sad that your life hasn’t progressed, really. But in a way, it also feels really good.

Love,

BFetisha x

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