The Crossroads.

So… this must be like the millionth time I have tried to write an entry. This time I really want to make it to the point of publishing it, haha. Adulthood is fast becoming to much work for me, I wish I could go back to a point when life easier (about 20 would do nicely). I feel like I am turning into some sort of actual old lady with the amount of sleeping I am doing recently it’s crazy!! I should really be applying for jobs or something! Yawwwwnnnn!!! =0 Okay so I just looked through the county press and well there is Kingswood and that’s about it? So im thinking ski seasons, but I really can’t figure out in my head if that’s what I want, or in actual fact what I want to do at all…?? So if anyone is reading this any advice you might would be appreciated, I don’t think i’ve ever felt so lost, which im thinking is perhaps why I can’t write at all and I just keep loosing my focus. Youth work was my long term plan, that was what I wanted to do for a long time, and hopefully from it start to create the foundations of a life for myself but it seems that it just wasn’t meant to be. I am trying to keep strong about it and not be upset and just see it as the chance for a new adventure and that God does have a plan. It feels like in some ways going away wouldn’t be the worst idea, it’s not like after September I will have nothing keep me here and it’s getting me rather annoyed that most of my friends don’t remember to talk to me until  I have messaged them several times first, and that frustrates me. Surely if someone cares about you that much they remember that your alive every once in a while? Or am I being over sensitive? Be honest with me here? It’s just to me I don’t count a lot of people as close friends but the ones I do I regularly contact to ensure they know how special and important they are too me. My friends mean everything as I do not have a partner. Otherwise it’s a pretty lonely life as me. Although perhaps these people aren’t really my friends and I need to move. Maybe Jethro and Emma where right about my tattoo being sign and I need to listen….”Adventure is out there”. 

Sometimes I wonder if I left my heart in the mountains when I was sent home from Switzerland last time? But something make me feel as though I should hold off from rushing back. I feel like im trapped in some sort of maze, but instead of finding my way out it seems like the harder I try to work it out the more ensnared I become.  What I wonder about life is why for some people it comes so easy and why others have to work so hard? By no means do I think my life is difficult in comparison to some but at the same times sometimes I feel like begging god to pleaseee….just give me a break!? It would be nice to talk to friends about this but I just don’t think that is possible? They never seem to quite understand and just give me some half hearted answer or off-hand comment to end the conversation. I suppose I feel a little like im being pulled and pushed in several different directions all at once and it’s exhausting!

It’s very hard to keep motivated in these last few months with the Youth Service as it all feels a little pointless, and it’s almost like, well, what’s the point putting in lots of work for it to all just be forgotten in a matter of a few weeks, plus the relationships with young people and all previous efforts from staffs to just  be lost in history, way to make everyone feel undervalued!? On another note how can my insanely annoying sister listen to the terrible throat screaming that she calls music? It hurts my head after a while and I can’t imagine enjoying music where you can’t understand the lyrics? But then who am I to judge? Each to their own! Although it isn’t just that she drives me insanely mad with everything she does and im sick of her slagging me off and getting away with it. But I feel that writing has helped me to try and get some of this out and I have been waiting on God a lot recently and I just feel he taught us to forgive, so we should do all we can to honour that. Although I think it would be much easier if God would just send us a letter telling us where he wants us next would make life a little simpler for everyone!

Getting hugely frustrated that my nipple piercings don’t seem to be healing properly at all!? One of them I have had done twice and has puss coming out of it still sometimes and now and the other one looks like it’s wonky and still goes crusty and gross! Why did I have to have stupid flat nipples. I swear to god I am falling apart my lips are saw, my mouth still hurts from where I burnt it..ggaarrrrrhh! No wonder nobody wants to be with me, im a bloody mess falling apart lol.

Loving the fact that I have been online on Facebook all day yet not a single person has spoken to me! Gotta love how popular I am haha. I suppose on a closing note the only thing I can say is that I wish my faith was stronger! If anyone reading this thinks they can help, I’d be eternally gratefully, although you will have to able to except that I am Gay and that I believe God is okay with that so I do not want a lecture or prayer etcc…

Peace out lovers xx

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