The Fear You Won’t Fall

This is the first song she ever sent me to watch, and if I wasn’t already I would have surely fallen. No matter how loud or how tough of music I hear on the outside this song plays constantly in the back of my brain. As if to mock me like a small child pointing and giggling.

I reached out to her yesterday to say hello. Once again I was reassured that it wasn’t going to happen. She said it was good to see and talk to me and that she’s glad I am doing so well.  I must be getting good at acting, because I am hiding the true mess that I am. That we’re three weeks into this, and it still hurts everyday like it’s the first. From the weigh it sounds neither one of us is really taking excellent care of ourselves. And right now I just try to focus on a future without her, my future the one I wish I could take hold of and make happen now. But that’s not smart and it would only be done to try and escape the ache that has taken over my heart.

I’ve always accepted everything about her , but this might be the hardest to overcome.  No matter how hard I try it will never be what it once was. I wrote her a letter and finally threw it away last night, and will always regret not fighting for her the way I wanted to. I should’ve hopped a plane taken the shuttle and showed up at any and all costs of being rejected.  I’ve tried to make sense of it all, why would someone choose this? To go thru this heartache when in fact it could be so simple. I talked to my friend last night and she said it makes sense now…the girl that doesn’t fall in love and show emotion…indeed did. She fell for you. Personally I’m not sure that is true. Instead of talking about anything wrong she let it blow up in her head and focused on that. None of this I understand, because I follow my heart.  And I wish she knew that I had known I hurt her that I would bring her the moon and stars to make it right. That I wanted to hold her heart and care for it like i protect my own.  I came across an old message with one of her friends that I shared briefly after I was unable to make a trip. I told her that I would never intentionally hurt her, and that I adored her. The friend responded with she’s just upset because she really cares for you, and that basically she’d not really admit or allow herself to believe that I did love her.

Is what my friend say  true…did she fall and run? Or is it just me that she’s over? Did she figure out that she can do a relationship just not with me? Or will she really be forever the single girl? As she said there will always be shit, with that response I believe that it’s just me . Either way I will forever be puzzled by the thinker….

I feel stupid that is is still a struggle for me. That she’s able to talk to me like we’re friends like none of it ever existed. There was never this song playing in the background when we danced in her living room. There was never a text saying she loved me and I was stuck with her.  It appears as tho it all vanished like a cloud of smoke.

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