We all had breakfast together on Saturday. Just try to imagine this situation if you possibly can. Breakfast with my husband, my lover and the man who I thought would be my lover and still has the potential.
It was then I thought, I should be writing this down.
I am not seeking alliances, support or even understanding. I know, ok, I know! I know what a horrible person I am. I know I am selfish. I know what kind of damage I will cause. I know all of the opinions people will have of me and I know I will deserve it all. I know you really wont like it but I know I will keep you entertained.
The situation I have put myself in, I know it has no moral grounds to it. Think of this journal in one way, when any of you find you are feeling like the worst person in the world, you can read my story and know, you really aren’t that bad.
Anyway, so here we were, happily having breakfast together. That isn’t sarcasm, we really were all quite happily enjoying each other’s company. I didn’t feel weird, I wasn’t walking on eggshells, and I didn’t need to watch everything I said in case it didn’t fit in with lies.
I suppose one of the first rules to having an affair would be to minimise the details. The less I tell my lover about my daily life, the easier it is for him to act like it is the first time he has heard the story. If I spent our time together talking to him about the details of my day, then I would have to repeat myself when we were in public. It would be all too easy for one of us to say, “You told me that the other day” and have eyebrows raised. Also, the less details the less lies I need to remember with my husband, the less chance of getting caught.
I also noticed the significance of all three men in my life. My husband, the constant friend and pleasure in my life. The man I can truly be myself around, bad habits and all. The man that loves me and needs me as much as I need and love him. The only man I can still see myself with for the rest of my life. The right combination of challenge and comfort. My best friend.
Then there’s my lover. Still exciting and still new. Helping me explore my submissive side. Creating just enough secret drama in my life to make the days interesting. Drama so secret he doesn’t know about it. The constant battle in my head about the best way to keep his interest. The constant thinking of our next rendezvous. The annoying and constant analysing in my head over every little thing he says and does. It’s exhausting and time consuming, but it sure is fun when I get the gratification I have been longing for! And god is he good in bed/car/lounge. The only annoyance is trying not to think of how it will all end, because once you start, there’s very few ways it can end without people getting hurt.
Then there’s my “could be” man. The fact that nothing has ever happened between us keeps our interactions buzzing at this constantly frustrated and lusting frequency. It is always the best part about someone new, the lead up. The intense electricity running through you that stays with you for days. It’s a feeling that almost pushes you over the edge and you fantasize about all the ways you would finally cross that line and how animalistic it would be. It takes everything you have to hold back.
My “could be” man is the most significant of the three. I find he is the only thing that distracts me when I need to create space between me and my lover and the only thing that entertains me when I am bored at home. He is the welcome fantasy when I go to bed and the welcome flirt when we are at a party. All in all, if we never cross the line, I think it will be the perfect arrangement. It is by staying on this side of the fence, I can ensure he is always a welcome distraction. If I fail, he becomes another person I need a distraction from. And since we have never followed our instincts, I am free to behave like I use to with my lover.
Before it all began we were inseparable at parties, texted fun flirty messages and talked a lot. Now, we were slightly nervous all the time. Unsure as to how much physical contact we could get away with. We were both brilliant liars but we no longer had the luxury of saying “we are not fooling around” whenever people questioned our closeness. It felt forced now and we were not relaxed being physical in public. I am sure this was mostly in our heads and on the outside we still portrayed the same old relationship. The fun flirty texts were now gone. Replaced only by arrangements to hook up and be deleted or sterile texts meant to be seen by my husband usually requesting to be picked up from somewhere.
So there you have it, the three significant men in my life, eating breakfast together. Just a normal Saturday I suppose.
Don’t worry, there will be more details in future…