07.16.14

I write this as I lay in your bed and you are at work, you have barely even left and I miss you… so much. It hurts when you leave because I know soon I will be leaving… I just wish I could spend every second I am here with you.

The moment I got into your car and I saw you I knew something was different I felt something different than I have ever felt.  I wanted to kiss you right then and there and I’ve never wanted to kiss someone right away like that, I felt as if I knew you my entire life right from the beginning.

The first time you kissed me I never wanted that moment to end, and every time you kiss me I just want to stay frozen in that moment forever. You make me feel so safe and make me forget about everything that is going on inside of me right now. I hide it all from you so you don’t get scared, I try to hold myself together so that you don’t worry more and it’s hard and I know it will be even harder when I go home. I don’t know how I am going to do it alone. I just want to be with you and feel safe and know I will be okay, because when I am alone I doubt it all the time and my mind goes to places it shouldn’t.

I am so numb to everything except you… the first time I flipped and you held me I felt the most amazingly beautiful love radiate throughout my whole entire body something that I cannot even put into words, I have never felt anything like it in my entire life, it was one of the most painful yet beautiful experiences I have ever had. In that moment I just knew…. I knew I loved you and I thought I was completely out of my mind for feeling that way and you know I wanted to say it to you so many times so bad but I held back out of fear. I felt it so strongly it was overpowering me..it still overpowers me. Every time you touch me, hold me, kiss me it overpowers me.

Every time I look at you it makes me happy and sad because I feel like this is the most beautiful yet fucked situation I could ever be in. I’ve never felt so connected to someone in my entire life and now I count the days knowing I will soon leave and it kills me inside. I feel like I am leaving a huge piece of myself behind when I leave…. I am so scared. I have never been more scared of anything in my entire life, or more hurt in my entire life…. I feel like my heart is being broken into a million pieces right now because what I want I can’t have which should be the simplest thing in the world but is so complicated by my situation. If I wasn’t sick I would be here forever in a heartbeat without looking back ever.

I just want you to be happy, I want to be happy and you make me happy in a way that I nobody ever has, you are so loving, caring and compassionate and I see all the qualities inside of you that are amazing. When I look into your eyes I feel like I can see deep into you and I know just who you are and the person you are is amazing.  I want you to know all of this because even if I said it with words out loud it might not be the easiest to convey.

I love you so much and I am going to try and enjoy the rest of the time I have here with you even though I feel like I am dying inside the entire time because I know soon this will just be a memory and I will be separated from you, but my feelings will not change, what I want will not change. There is nothing, nobody that could change the way I feel for you. I want you to know that. I just want you…

 

 

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