Xanga RIP

I used to have an online journal, called xanga. I used it for almost 10 years. Unfortunately it’s gone now. Kinda sucks, because I liked going back in time and reading some of my stuff from when I was a kid. Oh, well. 

Since this is my first entry, am I supposed to be introducing myself? 

My name is Jenna, I’m 25. I live in Austin. I’m separated, and I have two kids. I work in retail. My young life has been full of tragedy. My mom’s death, my dad’s alcoholism, the death of my daughter’s father (My fiance), abusive relationships, trouble with the law, and battling mental illness. 

A while ago my therapists told me that I should write. I told him about my xanga,  and how much it had meant to me. I was able to put all my thoughts, not matter how stupid or selfish they were, somewhere. He told me to continue doing it, that it would be good for me. At the time I didn’t have access to it. And there’s just something about writing with a pen and paper that I just don’t like anymore. Anyways, Danny, my therapist, was right. So here I am. I, along with tons of other people in this world, have been diagnosed with depression and an anxiety/panic disorder. I am being treated for both. Although the medicine has helped me a lot thus far, I still feel the need to empty my head of thoughts and feelings. So, that’s what I shall do. 

I find myself in a rough situation these days, not to sound all ‘WOE IS ME!!’, but for fuck’s sake I’m only 25. I just got out of a long painful CPS case, where my son had ended up in Foster care. Twice. And my daughter was sent to live with her grandma. There are allegations of abuse between my husband and my daughter, and there is a criminal case pending. That’s all I’m going to say about that… but my babies are now home with me. My daughter is coming home for good at the end of this summer, right now her grandma has the same kind of rights a father would over her. And by golly, I fucking hate her grandma. She is the devil incarnate. No joke. I’m sure there will be a lot of future entries about her bullshit. 

So obviously my marriage has been destroyed. I started acting promiscuously, and have been ever since the allegations were made. I filed for divorce, but it wasn’t granted at the time since there was an open CPS case. Now that it’s closed, the only reason I haven’t gone is because, well honestly, I just don’t fucking feel like dealing with it right now. Talk about a plate loaded with food that I can’t eat.

There’s a lot of good things going in my life, of course. I’m still alive, for one. I have a decent job, and I’m able to pay my dues. I’m headed into the career of cosmetics. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, I’m able to provide for both of my kids, I have a car, and I have the means to spoil us every once in a while. I live with my baby brother James, and his fiance, who I should refer to her as my sister in law. But she’s a real sister to me. She’s one of my best friends, and I love her with all my heart. Which, I’m grateful for,  nobody likes having drama in the family. I mean, she gets on my nerves all the time.. because she’s a female, and all females can be demons more often than not. But I can’t live without her. It’s nice to see that ONE of my 3 brothers found a good woman. Her name is Ambur. Ambur with a U. Again, she’ll more than likely be in a lot of my entries as she’s so involved with my life. We have a German Shepard Doberman mix doggy named Max. Max is short for Maximilian Pegasus.  Don’t hate, I was obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh at once point. Still kinda like it. Oh, and Ambur has two cats. Lunah and Yodah. Because that’s totally important information. 

My babies.. ohhh my babies. Victoria is 7, she’ll be 8 this November. Orlando Jr, who goes by Bubbah, just turned 3 July 5th. They are my sugar plums! I could go on and on and on and on about how much I love them.. what mother couldn’t though, right? They’re actually in the other room watching Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs with a big bag of chips. Since it’s summer time, we’ve been spending a lot of time at the pool. I actually have a tan! It’s unreal! My kids are both mixed. Hispanic. So I call them my beanie babies. So anyway they tan nicely, milky white mama over here, does not. I burn first, tan later! 

Well, that’s a little bit about me.. or my life. Actually that was kind of a lot. But back to what Danny told me, I need this! And it’s already feeling pretty damn good. 

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