Dunno What To Do

My day started off good. Was planning to paint a relative’s garage door and have some alone time to think. I also wanted to talk to my boyfriend for a little bit because I missed him, and we’ve barely talked any. He came on later than usual. I started complaining and was wondering why he hadn’t gotten on earlier like he usually does. He said he was tired and couldn’t sleep so he decided to get on.

 

He eventually got off because I was upset and didn’t want to “deal” with me. I winded up crying because I have waited so long to talk to him only to have 5 minutes with him before he decided to get off. A friend of mine messaged me on FB because of the status I made. He said that if he doesn’t make time for me, then he isn’t worth it. And it is true, my boyfriend doesn’t make time for me. He just gets on whenever he feels like it, and he knows I miss him every single day, but I don’t beg for him to get on. I usually have things I have to do.

 

My boyfriend decided to get back on and apologize. I was still crying at that point and I got him upset again and he got off. I only got 5 more minutes with him. It doesn’t even feel like a relationship anymore. His excuse is always “I have a life” or “I’m very tired”. I have a life too, but I have time for him at least. He thinks talking every single day is too much, even if it’s just 1 hour a day.

 

I continued crying and I took down the pictures of him on my wall. I’m starting to care less. I’m hoping to get a pet rat soon as a companion and therapy-type animal. I need something to love on and something to bring me happiness. Something my boyfriend is unable to fulfill. I dunno how long I can stand this. It’s been a year, and for most of it, I always thought it was my fault and that I’m the “defective” one. But he has problems too, but he denies it. Sounds narcissistic and mentally abusive to me.

 

Yeah, he may live 9,500 miles away, but he has made me happy before. Now it seems he just gave up. I don’t know what I did wrong. I just want to tell him how I feel and let him understand, but he just gets upset and refuses to make things better. I only get depression in return. And today was going so well..

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