I feel so done right now. . .

Everyone knows that being an alcoholic often comes with an element of poor judgment attached.  What is poor judgment?  Poor judgment is giving a lot of money to a stranger because she tells you a pretty story before you check out the truth of said story.  Real shocker when she vanishes with your money and you never hear from her again.  Poor judgment is giving near strangers absolute benefit of the doubt, while never forgiving your family for any real or perceived slight.  Poor judgment is alienating your family by making them feel like you condescend to even speak to them, while prizing flatters of your ego who don’t give a crap about you in reality.

I’m having a hard time today.  Max got angry with me because I forgot to log off my email account, and he read my emails.  He was angry that I should cancelling something I ordered from Canada because they could not ship to the US, rather than get him to ship the items to one of his various “friends” in Canada.

We go to Canada from time to time, and he does know a dozen people with a passing acquaintance (they may remember his name if they met in a restaurant).  He does not know anyone in Canada I would trust with receiving my mail (and an expensive package, at that).  Yet, I get an angry rant and a harangue that lasts for a good two hours this morning because I cancelled an order for cloth diapers.

Oh, and he used this as an occasion to somehow use the fact that I was date-raped many years ago against me.  I am not joking.

Why am I married to someone like this?  Because I feel a duty to stay, I suppose.  I don’t believe in divorce.  When he is in the “low” of his bi-polar, he is one of the best men I’ve ever known.

I retreat into prayer often, these days.  There isn’t much else for me to do.  I can’t get away physically, since I can’t drive.  I watch the Mass daily, and pray a Rosary.  Maybe this summer I can convince Max to make a pilgrimage to a Shrine or two.  Maybe God can work in him a little and inspire him to try to help himself.

I am so tired.

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