Gambled my heart

So If anyone actually decides to read my journal you actually get an insight on who I am.Who I REALLY am. Its like behind the scenes or the unseen footage in a movie, the only difference is this wont become famous. I dont know why I decided to make this..maybe for some practice for when i am a journalist,maybe because i need to vent? or maybe if I have children one day and for some odd turn of events I cant be there for them ,then they could just read this and hopefully it will help them get through the obstacle they have reached. If it is the third choice then.. To my future children or child I’m sorry I’m not there for you when you need me but even right now I know I am proud of you and I love you. Follow your heart baby and dont settle for less.

Anyways back to the journal…  I am currently a 17 year old high school graduate working a commission paying job selling pictures at 3 restaurants just on the outside of The Strip. I am Filipino and black..My mother being filipino and my biological father being black.  I am going to start college next month and hopefully major in Journalism and become an investigative journalist. I want to be one that travels all over the world and write interesting, TRUE articles exposing the government or animal torturing farms or something. I have A mom , a step dad , two brothers, and 5 sisters. Actually make that 7 sisters because my biological father cant keep it in his pants. Now yes I have daddy issues and deep “mental” issues that make me “unlikable” or “rude” but i know that’s just me being honest all the damn time no matter if people like it or not. 

Now we will eventually get to all the problems that make me the way I am today which I think is somewhat of an Extraordinary person …..I mean I am sometimes funny. But I want to really talk about what my current problem is today…Of course since I am a teenager it is a boy.

The Boy: Jay

Age: 18 born July 7,1996

Nationality: Jamaican …(Dark as fuck but not dark night dark..I can still see him when I shut the lights off.)

He is funny so incredibly funny , he is ambitious , he is smart and he dreams oh this boy dreams. He wants to succeed and I find that amazing. so so amazing. He has a big heart for someone with a complicated life and i admire that so much. He found God and loves him even when it seemed like God was being me to his life. he is cute but doesnt know it so that makes him even more cute. I am in love with his smile. I am always a sucker for a nice smile.

Now Let me start by saying it is Ironic that I am crushing really really really hard on a Jamaican dude when up until this year I swore on my life I would never like a black dude.  I don’t know what happened this year I just started to find black guys attractive.  The ideal perfect guy for me ..well I always believed was suppose to have dark hair ,colored eyes , smart , funny , strong and dominant. Yes I love dominance, I love to be challenged physically and emotionally .  Also the ideal guy for me was some type of islander who was in the army or played sports.  If it is my future child reading this I tell you in advance I have no filter.  Anyways I saw Jay last year, my junior year but knew his sister the year before , my sophomore year but she was a junior. I was friends with her and knew who their eldest brother was but i didn’t know about Jay until my junior year. I was a wopping  198 lbs my junior year so I wasn’t really out there with the boys or the dating scene.You know some insecurity issues. But I saw him in the hallways with his girlfriend and thought he was attractive but at the time I pushed it to the back of my mind because  I wasn’t interested in dark guys. But him, I found him attractive. He was head over heels for his girlfriend though and I was just another wallflower not noticed unless I was blocking a doorway.I had a few select friends so I wasn’t some fat lonely loser. Anyways I started loosing weight that January because I had a weight training class and got tired of not being happy with who I am ..Once again that struggle is a whole other journal entry which we will get to in time. .Any who Lets just say I came back to school my senior year a whole new person. Total transformation from 198 to 135 . Not to sound cocky or anything but I was turning heads, I was noticed, but still incredibly insecure.  I had Jay for a personal finance class taught by this horrible teacher from Africa named Mr.Atilla. That is when I officially met him but at the time I had my eyes set on somebody else so I didn’t really notice him. He was just the kid in class that jokingly called me “nigger ” from time to time and I called him it back. His smile though, his smile is something that always lingered in the back of my mind. Eventually he started to come to school less and less and it turned out he moved to a different school but i was so preoccupied by this other fucking loser I didnt notice. Then one day I got a message from him on facebook and It was friendly talk nothing flirty. then we exchanged numbers and started texting for awhile .He was not a major priority then. Months passed and I could go days without talking to him Now if I try I feel empty .His phone eventually got turned off and we started chatting on facebook. Now during these months I had my “experiments” with other people. I’m not going to sugar coat it I was a lil Hoe. Not a dirty hoe that sleeps with everybody because I wasnt having sex I just got around. Now I wasnt anybodys side chick or anything I just saw a target got what I wanted and kicked them to the curb because I lost interest and got bored. So I said Fuck it on to the next . My numbers of people I kissed for my senior year in highschool is 8 people. 7 guys and 1 girl. I had my first boyfriend that year with the sweetest Samoan dude ever who is now a good friend..but thats for another day. Anyways after all those I finally woke up it seemed sometime during the final quarter in highschool. It was in the messages when  he was funny and I enjoyed talking to him. I found myself waiting for his text every morning before school or in my first period chemistry class. Everytime I saw that text or notification I smiled. At first I thought it was just a little friend thing for me like he could be my best friend and thats what I say we were for awhile. I would tell him about my family issues, my problems, I felt like I could be me around him. Then summer came and our relationship grew . He came to my graduation BBQ and thats when I realized ..Yes I actually like this dude. Then one drunk night at a friends house I made the mistake of logging on to facebook and telling him how I felt and he eventually said he felt the same way but he was too messed up by his exes. Then a few weeks later we go to the movies and see The Transformers Age of Extinction movie in 3D for his birthday. .The movie was AMAZING BTW . It was a Wednesday night and after the movie and we got picked up by my mom and went back to my house. He was suppose to catch the bus home but he missed the last one and ended up having to spend the night.. (heheh wink wink ) My mom made sure one of my brothers was in the den at all times with us but they sucked at being guardians because once my little brother feel asleep on the other couch..things began to happen. …by things I mean sex..Yes I know I know I’m horrible for having sex with my little brother a few feet away from me. but I think that the chance of us being caught just made things more exciting.  After that night..or early morning I should say we went back to being the way things were which I was fine with. No awkwardness between us .We went back to being bestfriends, I love having him as one of my bestfriends and thats something I really dont want to ruin.  but I started wanting more , craving it. I wanted to make him mine and I think that started my downfall. We would act like boyfriend and girlfriend in messages but we were single. I dropped all my side hoes because I felt like even though we werent dating I should still be loyal. I noticed my self messaging more and being more open , I let my walls down completely. So I am very vulnerable and Im scared. I don’t like to be like that, I like to always be strong never weak. I noticed I totally lost it when Recently He hadnt replied to my messages in like 2 days because he lost his phone and I felt like I  was dying because I wasnt talking to him. I literally felt empty.

Honestly I felt like ever since I told him how I really felt about him he tried to open up a bit but then stopped. I felt like he started to fall back a bit. wasnt really messaging as often or goofing around as much . Deep down I feel like he isnt really interested in me at all that hes just doing it to make me feel better. I also fear that I dont know him like I thought I did and that he just used me for sex.In a way it would be like a punishment from god because of the way I used those people during my senior year and if thats the punishment then I guess I deserve it. I know he is hurt from his past and that his his ex might have been his first love and is hard to replace and I could never be her and I try to be patient with him but it is soo hard. It is so hard to know that he was hurt by someone who was probably his first love and that he might be my first love and I might be hurt by him. An endless chain. 

I started to feel like I should fall back a bit just to save my self the heartache and put my walls back up. I feel them building up again and that makes me sad when I shouldnt be.

I feel like when I message him that I’m bothering him . So now Im stuck with him on my mind almost every minute of everyday. When I havent heard from him in awhile I even went to work worried and had a bad feeling in my gut that he was hurt or something. that feeling was right because he got into a fight. I feel like I will never have him no matter how bad I want him. So I’m stuck wanting someone I can ever have and it is torture.What if I let my walls down for a guy thats not even interested? What if I gave myself to someone who doesnt even care? It hurts just thinking about it. I feel this hole in my chest just thinking about him not liking me back. Im scared because I actually think he has my heart that I love him and there is a high chance that I will get hurt. I laid all my chips out on the table just to loose the bet. Instead of gambling money I gambled my heart. It would be some sick twisted joke if this is all just a phase that I’m going through and he isnt the one for me. I mean I am only 17 , I am so young to be worried about love. But at the same time tomorrow isnt promised so live it up. I sometimes think that Im probably one of those people that find love at a young age but then I think to my self what gives me the right to think I deserve that something as special as that?.  To be honest I am not one to really cry but some nights I let my thoughts run wild and boy do they run and in the end I end up in the bathroom crying over a boy. CRYING! I am sad to say I actually cried over a boy. I hope I never do that again because it made me feel pathetic, it made me feel the way i was when i was cutting. (once again a whole other entry) but let me just say I try to live my life with no regrets but when i was in the dark place in my life .the choices I made then I will forever regret. 

anywayss…

I just blame my period for when that happened all the tears.  Bottom line is I like a boy, hell might even love the nigga but I dont know if he really likes me. I dont know if he is the one I end up with the rest of my life. I would be scared if he is because I have my life mapped out ahead of me and a guy really isnt in the blueprints just yet. At the end of the day though its him I think about before I got to sleep and its him I wake up thinking about also.  Being a teenager dealing with boys is by far the most hardest and confusing thing ever and I know 10 years from now I am probably going to be thinking ” What the fuck was I doing stressing over a boy for” 

Now to my future offspring if you read this and there really is no answer to your problem yet dont worrying because I am just figuring things out too, one day at a time but the answer will come my love 

I know the unknown is a  scary thing But for now Im going to try and enjoy this phase or whatever , enjoy the good parts about it that is ..while it last because who knows I could actually meet the right guy for me tomorrow.  It may be painful but it is beautiful sometimes. 

 

One thought on “Gambled my heart”

  1. hi I see this writen a wile a go so not sure what end happening with you and this guy but I had the very same sort of problems with a girl when I was your age so I can kind of understand where you are coming from I love to shair my experience however it be to long to write here. just know your not alone and things well work out one way or another in the end.

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