Too Much

The amount of stress is beyond overwhelming. Everyone has life stresses, but this has become unreasonable. Life is about how you react to situations, but how is a person supposed to react to those who continue to stab you in the back day to day, but then don’t understand why (and chooses to discuss it with others constantly) you don’t interact with them.

I am not a perfect person. I have many flaws. I work hard to be a better person and strive to be successful in all that I do. There are two people that seek to bring me down. The negativity is consuming. Overwhelming. Draining. Exhausting.

The names they call me are laughable, but yet hurtful. Lazy. Bitch. Rude. Lazy. Lazy. Lazy just resonates through my brain. I have never tagged myself as lazy. I have always worked two jobs to make ends meat. I currently work on average 55 hours a week. And to be told by someone that I am lazy that doesn’t work. Unemployed. Unemployable would be a better term. To be told I am lazy by someone who hasn’t been able to hold a job for longer than 3 weeks in the last year an a half…. no longer has unemployment money and is about to move, due to lack of income,  into the home where I pay the bills… who asked for $2,000 from me to pay her bills. $2,000 that I have worked hard for. It’s exhausting. I am done defending myself to people who don’t care enough to actually KNOW me.

Judgement based on jealously. Those who say hurtful things about others must feel so poorly about themselves that they project it onto others. Jealously is the root of evil. It becomes comical when those then feel that I should be nice and polite to them. If rude is avoiding the toxicity of the situation, then yes, I am rude. Yes, I have my guard up. Yes, I am protecting myself from the detriment that those are trying to cause. I am a better person than that. I am a stronger person than that.

They don’t know the things that I have been through in my life. My past. My struggles. They don’t see the tears I have cried over the hurtful things they have said or done. I can’t let them see the weakness in me. They prey on that. I have grown cold and blank to their interactions. Emotionless.

I begin to worry that coldness rolls over into other aspects of my life. The things I have experienced have made me face life in a different way. I have learned to block out traumatic events…just ignore them like they aren’t happening. Like they aren’t real. Just move on. My past has made me the person I am, but they don’t define the person I have become. Everyone makes mistakes. The gravity of those mistakes differs, but with pain there is strength. Also, with faith there is strength. Faith is a large component on being constantly strong and feeling confident in being able to move on.

The stress gets the better of me. It brings out my demons. My struggles. My weaknesses. I need to continue to build my faith to fight those struggles. I want the acceptance, I want the good life that is promised, I want to be a good person and do good deeds, and I want to be the person I know I am.

I know I am accepted. I know I am accepted. I don’t always feel accepted. What does it feel like to be accepted? I can be accepted. It doesn’t require me to do anything out of the ordinary. Just be accepted.

People say that everything happens for a reason. And that everything will work out the way it should. And I know that doesn’t mean that everything will happen the way I want it to. But wouldn’t that be nice. It’s about what I need. It’s about the plan, not about me. Yes, I make decisions. But there is a plan. And I just need to live my life following the plan. Being guided by the One. And allowing life to happen in that way. Not my way. But I am human…and that’s easier said than done. But I will try. That’s all I can do.

Tomorrow is a new day. Take it in stride. Though it may not play out as planned…there is a great plan. Life has obstacles, but the best way to overcome is to hug the ones you love and smile through the tears. There is a master, grand plan. And One will always love you. Unconditionally. Forever.

Until tomorrow,

D

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