“WOULD I SCARE YOU OFF LIKE OBSESSED STALKERS DO?”

I’m not sure where to begin. I’ve never done this before. I don’t think I have the guts to say this to your face. I’ve done crazier things, like head-banging in public for a free laptop and singing at a friend’s wedding. You’ve seen me do both.

I’m sure you’re not expecting this. You might also be thinking:“Ooh, that poor girl. She’s still missing her father.” I know what I’ve told you about how much you meant to me before. Yes, I’m aware of the consequences and the price I have to pay. After all, we’ve gotten so well with this friendship so far. Why am I doing this? Why would I want to risk losing you this way?

What if I tell you that this is not about my father anymore? What if this is about you now? Would I scare you like obsessed stalkers do?

Please, don’t hate me. I can still take anything but that.

I know the chances are less than a thin slice. Time is short. I only have until the end of this year, before you’re moving to Bali. I know we’ll still keep in touch and I want that. I know I’ll get to visit you there once in a while (especially when I get to be one of those amazing authors someday at Ubud Writers’ Festival and I want you to be there. I’m still working hard on it, though.)

I’ve never asked for any of these feelings, but somehow…they just grow. As cliche as this sounds, I’ve met so many different people in my life who have said the same thing about this:

When it comes to love, it has to be spoken. Life is short. Before you know it, people who matter most to you are no longer around – and you’ve simply missed that one little chance in letting them know how you really feel about them, at least.

So, I’m telling you this now:

I love you.

There, I’ve said it. I’m not taking it back.

However, I’m realistic. I’m not some dreamy teenager anymore – or even a silly, delusional girl. (Thank God for that!) I’m not asking you to stay or save my life. I don’t want to be selfish. If what lies ahead of you is a much better opportunity and can make you feel happier, then go for it. No need to look back if you don’t feel like it. You deserve to be happy and that’s all I ever want you to be. You know that already. You don’t need to hear it from me.

Once again, if you don’t feel the same way, that’s okay. Really. Just please, don’t hate me. Tell me that we can still be friends and always will, because I’m already grateful and honoured with that. You know how much I respect you too.

If someday you find a true love who stays with you and can make you happy, I’m going to give her a hug – because that’s just how much you mean to me…and how much I want you to be happy. You deserve love and you are loved.

yours truly,

R.

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