Everything in my life has been predictable. I was never the coolest kid in school, never the most famous and certainly not the prettiest. I was a wallflower during elementary and even in high school, outshone by my pretty and talented classmates and often looked upon for my passion in reading books.
I experienced discrimination at an early age. Having an older sister, I learned how to deal with and ignore the comparing look of other people. Thus, studying in a private school with the coolest kids around me only entailed small adjustments.
But things slightly changed when I reached high school. I dreaded my first day, thinking I might be picked on or looked upon by some people. What happened was the last thing that I’ve anticipated. The once unseen girl in elementary became well-known to her high school teachers and had her name included in the honors’ list for the entire school year. The other kids weren’t the big-headed brutes I expected them to be. I befriended almost everyone and I was never again mocked for my time of reading books. I was accepted for what I was and I realized that I was luckier than some of my classmates.
When I crossed the threshold of college, the feeling of inferiority started creeping in again. Studying in a university was the last thing I wanted, but I could not enroll in the other schools I wanted to enter. At first, I was culture-shocked. I didn’t want to leave my comfort zone. For the first seven days, I would only speak if someone would ask something or talk to me.
Surprisingly, I enjoyed my stay there. Yes, there were still some people who were more arrogant than Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, but I met some wonderful friends and because of them I feel that it’s worth all the sacrifices I had to make.
I was still foreseeable as ever. Some friends thought that I was too good to be a student — no smoking, no hard drinking, no late night parties and no gimiks. I was a consistent dean’s lister. I satisfied myself with with the routine of going home after class.
Through all these years, I would wonder what my life would be if I tried harder to fit in. Will I belong to the coolest gang during elementary years? Will I belong to the group of head-turning girls during high school? Will I be considered a “real girl” if I jumped from one boyfriend to another?
I have learned the hard way. Not too long ago, I felt insecure. I felt deprived. In fact in some ways I thought God didn’t make me the way He make others. He deprived me of love. I hated the fact that I was never recognized by some people for what I really was. I hated the fact that I was not born rich. I hated the fact that I couldn’t compete with the cooler kids. I hated the fact that I couldn’t have all the things I wanted. I hated the fact that I couldn’t do things which other people can easily do. I hated the fact that my life didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to be.
There were a lot of things I hated about myself. I often dreamed of filling someone else’s shoes. Wouldn’t it be great to be pretty, rich and talented? or to be somebody influential, giving encouragement and hope to those in need? But maybe I was asking for too much.
Fortunately, I have learned to be contented with what I have as the years passed and those questions were slowly drained from my system. I have filtered my mind and cleansed my soul. Maybe I am not the coolest girl around, or the richest or the prettiest, but whenever I see people who live in the streets, I feel so lucky. I never had to beg for food, never had to sleep on the sidewalks, never felt dirty, never suffered abuse, never been abandoned.
I feel guilty whenever I remember all the questions I had, how discontented i was when I felt empty. I didn’t realize that I was blessed. God didn’t deserve to be asked questions because I never questioned Him when things were going right. I ought to have appreciated more of God’s blessings. Every person needs to be thankful, to be appreciative and to be faithful.
Although there are still times when I feel discontented, I quickly get over it by thinking that there are more special things for me out there than the petty things that I want.